Made In Chelsea the new series starts on an insurmountable high, as the last two series are recapped to a dubstep soundtrack featuring a spoken word intro from Mark Francis. ‘Time hears all things! (Things! Things! Things!)’ could be Christmas number one, and urgently needs to feature on the next Club Bangers compilation. I think we’re up to Club Bangers XVII - It’s Time For A Really Massive Thrusty Bang. Then we see Lauren wailing that Spencer is ‘such a ridiculous excuse for a human being’ before the camera cuts to Spenny bare chested and in a leopard print top hat. That’s the whole of Made In Chelsea summarised in under 70 seconds. We don’t need to carry on, really. We can go and binge watch some Grand Designs.
But carry on we must, and we see Spencer, Lucy, Biscuits and JP all driving vintage cars (Rolls Royces? Rolls Ryce?) to Danesfield House, where they will play croquet and listen to blues songs being performed by the South East’s smallest and poshest brass beat combo. In fact, there’s a strong possibility that the gang have just gatecrashed the Autumn term concert of a local prep school and they shouldn’t be filming at all. Spencer, swinging his croquet mallet aggressively in order to ward off angry teachers and parents, announces, ‘Lauren has found a whole new level of independence, which was necessary,’ explaining that he didn’t cheat on her in St Barts because it was ‘low season’ and the clubs were shut.
Sam and Tiff are there looking loved up, even though Lucy is looking at Sam the way Skeletor looks at He Man, and there is a strong chance that she’s going to kick him hard in the Greyskulls before the hour is out. Apparently Sam was caught in an incriminating position while Tiff was away in Hong Kong – there’s a picture of him doing to a girl what snakes do to eggs - but she just got in the way while he was doing a really big yawn or something, so it’s fine. Or ‘fine’. And Mytton and Spencer are rounding down on a prevaricating JP, who will not answer the Binks Question. Spencer says he’s behaving like a politician. To be fair, is there anyone in the cast of Made In Chelsea who hasn’t put their penis in a pig? Joyfully, Spencer then goes Fully Paxman. ‘YOU CAN’T DO THIS TO MY FRIEND BINKY! YOU HAVE TO SAY HOW YOU FEEL!’ Hooray!
Elsewhere Steph appears to be fully over Josh (‘I cried for like a week… now I’m drinking coloured drinks like it’s my job’) and hopefully that means that his soft furnishings fixated face will never be seen again. Binky has not moved on from JP - more on that story later, we assume. Biscuits runs into someone called Harney – NO! NO, MADE IN CHELSEA PRODUCERS! I CANNOT BELIEVE IN THAT AS A NAME FOR A HUMAN BEING! YOU HAVE LOST MY TRUST – who is going to be a New Character. We know because Biscuits chat is so forced that it automatically makes me think of my favourite festive thing, the fake play at the beginning of Little Drummer Boy where David Bowie turns up at Bing Crosby’s ‘house’ and says, ‘Hello. I am David Bowie. I live down the road.’
Sam announces that he wants to meet Tiff’s parents, and buys a special shirt with sleeves of many colours. James comes along for moral support, although one suspects Lucy made him go in order to highlight Sam’s sheer twattiness. Daddy Watson is horrified when Sam announces he wants to ‘join the family’, murmuring ‘um, let’s just have a drink’ although he alludes to Sam’s ‘indiscretions’ with the conspiratorial air of a fellow who might just have a second secret family hidden in the Scottish Highlands.
The bois drink Bloody Marys, Biscuits announces that he boned Jess, who immediately turns up with Toff and then has to leave because Spencer is being unbearable about it. Toff is not a supportive friend. ‘Did you… find him… sexy?’ she probes, struggling to understand how anyone could get a wide on for a guy who looks like the idiot cousin of the Milky Bar kid. Apparently Biscuits wasn’t allowed to look at Jess during the sex. We can sympathise with both of them, really.
There’s a brief, token interlude where we see Mark Francis and Victoria standing in front of some shops and reassuring us that they still love wearing the flesh of soon to be extinct animals - and then there’s a sad roof party. Binky glows, assuming JP will say ‘I’m so sorry, how could I not want to be with you?’ and not ‘I’m so sorry, I can’t be with you’ – but he chooses the latter. It’s a SAD DAY! Sadder and weirder is Tiff’s cheating revelation. She kissed a boy in Hong Kong and she’s completely cut up about it. Sam – the same Sam who clearly got papped licking the back of someone’s throat, whatever he claims, is shocked and appalled. ‘Right now, I think we are done,’ he huffs. I would bet £100 that he cheated first, and £10,000,000 that Tiff’s life will immediately, demonstrably become 800% better without Sam in it.
Hero of the week
In a FIRST EVER, it’s Spenny, for being a true friend for once and insisting that JP does the right thing by Binky instead of stringing her along. Obviously this is just standard, straightforward friend behaviour but it’s a joy to see Spencer asking his friend to consider the feelings of another human being.
Villain of the week
It’s the TWENTIETH TIME EVER for Sam, because I would convict him of cheating based on the evidence supplied by that photo if I were a member of a jury in a court of law. I think he’s a big snakey worm and Tiff is too bloody lovely to be messed about, even if she did kiss someone, too. I hope she marries her lovely Hong Kong biker and they serve Sam’s least favourite snack as reception canapes.
Like this? Then you might also be interested in:
MIC LA 5: Jess Is A Big Tease, Salads Are Covered In Cheese And JP Gets A Dressing Down From Louise
MIC LA 4: Toff Is Not Easily Led, JP Can’t Be Read And Jess And Jamie Biscuits Get Into Bed
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.