It begins with Biscuits bothering some ducks. He has a remote control boat, and he’s whizzing it around the pond with the sort of gleeful disregard for all other life forms that makes me think of those posh, harassed men in Sainsburys who will push someone’s bum with their shopping basket in order to get to the goose fat. Yet, mysteriously, Frankie still wants to be his girlfriend. Nicola wants to know if they’re properly together. ‘I’m casual as hell,’ claims Biscuits, only to get his boat stuck in some reeds. He is then shat on by a bird.
Nicola takes Frankie to one side and tells her that even though Biscuits makes Mr Bean look like Sean Bean, she’s heard a rumour that he may have hooked up with someone else. I have several questions. First of all, who are all these women who are looking him up and down and thinking ‘Yes! I’ve always wanted to shag a sort of sweetie magnate version of Boris Johnson, especially one who seems to dress exclusively from the Smiffy’s Fancy Dress “pimp” collection Let’s get it on!’? Also, Biscuits, ostensibly runs a business. He’s a leading cast member in a weekly television show, with hour long episodes. He also seems to be appearing as a guest whenever I watch Chatty Man. Ever since Sam stopped interning for him, I’ve worried that he doesn’t have time to organise clean pants for himself. When could he possibly be fitting in any secret shagging?
Sam is clearly not on laundry duty because he doesn’t even seem to have his own clothes to wear. He’s lounging about topless, while Tiff feeds him heart shaped poached eggs. Nothing says ‘I’m sorry I cheated’ like ‘Baby, I ruined your cookie cutter and your frying pan!’ Lucy revisits the heady days of the late nineties and produces a gay best friend called Fraser. Toff frenziedly prepares for an intimate dinner with Richard by dragging Ollie off on a shopping trip. ‘Maybe…this?’ suggests Ollie, eschewing Toff’s sequinned suggestions and pointing at a plain white dress while struggling to find the words to say ‘You’re my friend, I love you, and I know you’re nervous, but you’re not going to get any sex if you dress like you’re about to promote a self published book called My Erotic Menopause.’
Sam talks to Louise about the fact that everything is great with Tiff, but he’s still a long way from making up with Lucy. ‘Everything that’s bad, and negative, future Sam can handle it. Present Sam is great!’ Louise gently reminds him that Lucy lives around the corner, and has all the same best friends that they do. ‘That’s for future Sam!’ he beams. I’m totally into this idea. Don’t worry, Mr Landlord! Future Daisy will pay the rent! That deadline is for Future Daisy, not me!
Future Louise is going to St Barts, as Alik is keen to make time to work on their relationship. She’s not keen, possibly because Past Louise knows that it’s possible to go to one of the most luxurious resorts in the world and be more miserable than you would be if your grumpiest auntie took you for a rainy fortnight in a static caravan in Rhyll. Also, Alik is angling his Skype screen to give himself the kind of cheekbones that he definitely doesn’t have in real life, which is off putting.
It’s time for Toff’s date (she looks lovely, btw, not a bit like she’s about to sing songs for people having dinner on a cruise), and Richard has really pushed out the loveboat. There’s a table for two, sushi - even though he hates it - and a projection of a nuclear reactor on the wall. ‘I can’t take you to a reactor, but I can take you to a control room!’ he laughs, which is presumably some kind of science joke. I once went to a party with a load of physicists who kept asking if the DJ was called MC Squared. They couldn’t breathe. Never again will I socialise with anyone who has an IQ of over 105. Toff is touched, but she doesn’t really want to talk about nuclear reactors and she feels a bit weird about being back in a lecture theatre with Richard, as last time that happened, he was sexually rejecting her.
Difficult dinners abound, as Biscuits takes Frankie out for oysters and she tries to find the words to say ‘Are you cheating on me?’ and ‘Why have you brought me to a restaurant that serves food I have no interest in eating?’ The girls go to an art class, and we learn that Binky got an E at A level in a subject called Leisure and Recreation, and this has something to do with the fact that her bird cage picture turned out like a vagina. Toff has lunch with Jess, the morning after her big date, and announces that she’s on the wrong end of a surprise dumping from Richard who has texted her saying ‘This isn’t going to work.’ Tiff and Lucy have a tense chat at a cake shop called Cutter and Squidge - I can only assume thejr slogan is ‘Yes, it’s £9.50 for a cupcake, but don’t worry, we chew it for you!’ and Tiff tells Lucy that she must apologise to Sam, and stands her ground in a totally impressive way. Go Tiff!
Ollie has a cabaret party. Just in case the knackered looking girl waving pink feathers in her pants doesn’t give us enough of clue, the gang are hanging out in front of a large light up sign that says ‘CABARET’. Binky gives Lucy some very wise advise about getting over herself and apologising to Sam, even if she does muddle up Cinderella and the Wizard Of Oz. Easily done. Toff takes on Richard, who responds to his belief that they are incompatible with a big, fat, incredulous ‘Are you JOKING?!?’ as if she was trying to use a Pizza Express coupon, and had just been told that the two for one deal would be invalidated if anyone ordered dough balls.
Lucy sort of apologises to Sam, while keeping her arms folded, to indicate a state of confrontation, and managing to speak for two and a half minutes solid without actually using the word ‘sorry’. Sam accepts with great grace, and there’s a hug. Hooray! Frankie accepts that Biscuits isn’t cheating on her with the misplaced confidence of a person who decides to throw away a brown envelope letter from the bank, because it’s ‘probably fine, right?’ And for a thrilling, bewildering moment, Mytton attempts to get Nicola to break into the dressing rooms with him and ‘steal some cabaret stuff’. Good luck getting out of the bar with a load of feathers up your jumper.
Hero of the week
I think it has to be Tiff, because she identified a clear goal - getting Sam and Lucy to make up - and pursues that goal like an angry moth pursuing our nicest knitwear, even though it involved the impossible - getting Lucy to do something.
**Villain of the week **
Richard, for giving more confusing signals than a learner driver who is still working out the difference between the indicators and the windscreen wipers. And no amount of sushi will ever make it OK to dominate dinner conversation by projecting a big diagram on the wall.
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Follow Daisy on Twitter @NoTRollerGirl
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.