If you didn’t watch Love Island this summer, have you been living under a rock? I was (a rock, or at least a person who had several weddings abroad to attend and plans that necessitated leaving the house in the evening. Same difference.)
It says much about the cultural Zeitgeist of the show that even so, I managed to cobble together an understanding of what happened by proxy to friends who watched it, Whatsapp groups flooded with nothing but Love Island updates for two months, and the four episodes that I did watch.
Armed with this I settled down last night with my boyfriend (who has watched the whole thing) for the hour-long Christmas reunion. Here is everything I thought:
- Is it just me or do the entrance credits read like particularly gory tru-crime Netflix drama?
- Is unloyal a word?
- Brief interlude as several women who all look almost identical discuss the cessation of their relationship following all contractual PR obligations and Ellie tries hard to cry. Really tries. She's literally poking herself in the eye trying to produce a credible tear.
- Charlie arrives, according to Jack like a “tension of cold”. My mind is like spaghetti trying to figure out what this means.
- And why is Charlie dressed like Oliver Twist?
- Kendall and EYAL? SCANDALIZED
- Why is it that whenever Alex talks, he ends up sounding like an MP trying to explain his tax avoidance?
- Ellie in a reindeer onesie with a blotchy face after fake arguing with her fake ex is my spirit animal right now
(Side note: watching Love Island with someone else is actually quite fun, almost like arguing over football except I can understand what’s going on)
- Paul to Laura “We’re not right for each other.” Translation: “I took my first opportunity to cavort with influencers and sell whitening toothpaste. Why else does one do Love Island?”
- There's a cute interlude whilst everyone snuggles wholesomely on sofas without fornicating or having dramatic break-ups and Hayley jingles her sweater bells. An awkward interlude as Charlie is presented with a snake in a tin, and a wholesome montage featuring paper Christmas hats and colliding balayage ponytails.
- OK I’m hooked. I take it all back
- When is the next series starting?