‘Dear Channel 4, Please Look After Great British Bake Off’

Just a brief outline of all of our hopes, dreams and fears for this new attempt at GBBO. No pressure

great british bake off new series channel 4

by Jazmin Kopotsha |
Published on

Dear Channel 4,

How’s it hanging? Are things going well? I imagine things are going well.

I just wanted to have a quick word with you about something, if that’s okay? You see, there’s a bit of a weird tension in the air at the moment. It’s been a bit of a rough year if I’m honest. The economy’s a bit shit, world politics are bordering farcical and someone decided that mermaid toast is legitimately something we need in this world. So, as I’m sure you can appreciate, our anticipation for the comfort and familiarity of a TV show that embodies all that we know is good in the world is pretty pertinent.

The thing is though, our desperation for the reassuring sight of Mary Berry and the gang pottering around a big white tent while a gaggle of unknown faces with distinctive personalities slave over their designated work benches to produce pretty looking baked goods, is at odds with the knowledge that we might never get that again.

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That first advert didn’t go down quite as well as you probably hoped, really. It was very Channel 4 of you, and if the show hadn’t originated on a channel less inclined to animate food items and have them sing Paul McCartney in an unsettling manner, it might’ve gone by without so much as a mildly disgruntled retweet. It didn’t, though, did it? But don’t worry, the follow-up trailer was a lot better and less against the grain of everything we hold dear.

Kitsch and cutesie remain, we see. As do the crap puns, questionable innuendos, and Paul Hollywood’s hauntingly hungry bright blue eyes. And we mustn’t lose sight of that. Because I'm sure that Noel Fielding is going to bring all the lolz, Prue Lieth a slightly different variation on the good cop to Paul's bad cop and Sandi Toksvig the cheerfully dry humor that we know so well. And while we'll hopefully grow to love them just as intently as their predecessors, we can't help but long for the glory days of the past. And we should be allowed to.

The good news is, of course, that the initial vibes for the first episode are stong. And long may they continue because there's a huge amount of trust that we're bestowing in your hands for the next couple of months or so. It's not that we don't trust you, of course, you're very good at your Channel 4 stuff. It's just that the prospect of no Mary Berry, Persil adverts instead of those shit educational segments about how bland, ugly bread was made back in the Victorian era and, well, no Mary Berry, is a little bit scary at the moment. Just be wary of that, please. There's only so much change we can take at once.

Nothing too avant garde. No more singing, animated biscuits, if you don't mind. Just lots of the easily consumed, playground wit and tongue in cheek commentary around burnt edges, creamed rims, and soggy bottoms. And if you also could let us know what actually happens to all of that left over cake at the end of each episode, that would also be nice too.

Humbly yours,

Jazmin x

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Follow Jazmin on Instagram @JazKopotsha

This article originally appeared on The Debrief.

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