Welcome to The Great British Bake Off week three! It’s bread week and we’re on a roll, waiting to see which contestant will be toast and which will be the best thing since sliced Y’KNOW. According to an ancient tradition writ in Bake Off lore*, whoever wins bread week will go on to win the whole thing. Forget biscuit dioramas, this is serious stuff. Are you bready?
*based on literally two times it happened.
Come over to the dark side
Paul and Mary always being quick to jump on a trend from three years ago, we’ve gone all Scandi noir with the signature challenge: rye rolls. It’s dark, it’s wholesome, and it’s a bread I might have shown a whole lot more interest in before now had I realised there was TREACLE in it.
Not fazed by last week’s criticism for too-simple bakes, Norman is making traditional rolls. 'I’m no Heston Blumenthal,' he shrugs, with the air of a man who may have eaten snail porridge as a wartime necessity, ‘for the fibre’.
At the other end of the spectrum, continuing his bid to become Mr Flavour 2014, Luis is entwining fennel and parsnip dough with a darker dough of carrots, coffee and chocolate. That old classic! “It’ll either be great or a complete disaster,” he says, over the sound of the entire production staff rubbing their hands with expectant glee.
READ MORE: The Absolute Filthiest Moments From Great British Bake Off History In GIF Form
In what I’m choosing to see as an act of solidarity for cystitis sufferers, both Iain and Richard have put cranberries in their rolls. Last week’s star baker, Richard returns abruptly to earth when a po-faced Paul tells him that his ‘American pumpernickel’ is a LIE, because the only true pumpernickel comes from Germany (suggested soundtrack for this moment of anguish: This is How You Remind Me, by Pumpernickelback). We begin to realise that Richard might have a little pencil behind his ear at all times not ‘because he’s a builder’, but in case he needs to jab Hollywood where it hurts.
Martha is also in trouble, because she’s daring to put an eggwash on her rolls. These teenagers today need some ruddy discipline – you wouldn’t have found me dabbling in eggwash at her age. I’d barely even touched cream of tartar.
The bakers have a lot to prove – quite literally, which is why there’s a montage of everybody looking tense and fidgeting with the scenery for ages – before their rye creations are ready for baking. Then we’re treated to another montage of everybody looking tense and peering into an oven. The unflappable Chetna’s onion and pine nut rolls are taking too long, but she serves them up for judging just in the pumpernickel of time…
(Suephemism alert! 'Hot baps')
Loads of the rolls are underbaked, but Jordan, Diana and Nancy have managed a rye without going awry. Kate’s orange and cardamom knots are highly commended, and Luis’ vegetable, coffee and chocolate creations are a massive disappointment… in that they’re actually brilliant, and earn him a coveted Hollywood handshake. I always imagine Paul’s hands are plump and firm with a slightly oily film, like a nice raw focaccia.
Next up it’s Sue’s Incredibly Gripping Historical Segment (or as I like to call it, S.I.G.H.S), which has been cut down so much it’s barely long enough to have a wee and put the kettle on. Still, there is some vigorous pestle and mortar action and gratuitous reference to a ‘spice dungeon’ – a term normally only used by Geri Halliwell at the gynecologist.
I can’t believe it’s not ciabatta!
Back in the tent, the technical challenge is unveiled: it’s ciabatta, the crusty Italian bread I like to think of as ‘pain-ini’ because it rips the sides of your mouth to ribbons. They need to bake four loaves, and Paul’s only advice is the ominous “be patient”.
(Suephemism alert! “Big, visible airholes”)
The bakers looking for a slack, sticky dough with long, glutinous trails (aren’t we all, on some level?), which needs to be proved at room temperature for an unspecified amount of time. This has confuddled most of the contestants, who’ve put their dough in the warm proving drawers rather than leaving it out on the counter. As a result they’re flopping out huge, bubbly yeast monsters like something from a baking B-movie.
Although Paul says the secret is not to rush, that’s exactly what I’m going to do because frankly none of us signed up to watch a load of flaccid dough logs being coaxed onto trays… Ta-da! They’re baked.
Paul and Mary’s judging is a lively affair, because the ciabattas have come out more varied in shape and size than an inspirational Dove advert. Jordan’s oily loaf lands him in bottom place, while Iain, Chetna, Diana and Richard have also fallen flat. In first place is Waity Kate, whose patience proved that good things come to those who… leave things on counters in Tupperware boxes.
Which is never true in my house, but still.
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Loaf actually
Anyone who was worried that last week’s biscuit challenge meant Bake Off had become a sort of madcap modelling geekfest for greedy Games Workshop regulars can breathe a sigh of relief – we’re back on familiar ground with this week’s showstopper, a filled loaf.
It’s still got to look impressive, mind, and there are decorative herbs all over the shop. Luis (did he mention he’s Spanish?) is using saffron to give his bread a lovely yellow colour – plus whatever flavour saffron has, I guess. Ask someone who can afford to pay £4 for 0.4g in Sainsbury’s.
In an unexpected twist, Jordan has suddenly proved himself the man of my dreams by baking bread that tastes like cheesecake. Could I actually love Jordan? Was Iain merely a beardy distraction? Only time will tell.
One man I definitely know my true feelings for is Norman, and he’s equally aware of his own feelings for schmancy baking – but he’s humouring Paul by stuffing his 'posh rustic' bread with chicken and coating it in rosemary oil. 'It goes well with a glass of Châteauneuf-du-Pape,' he claims, which is a bit like when I have Prosecco with a packet of Scampi Fries.
Hands up who else has been waiting for Martha to become annoying? BUT IT STILL HASN’T HAPPENED. She’s an eternal delight! So much so that she can put the world’s foulest cheese in the middle of her bread and everyone just beams and gives her a gold star. She’s fast becoming the Hermione Granger of baked goods, which is appropriate as she appears to have baked one of those giant spiders from the Chamber of Secrets.
Nancy’s back on form too. The Queen of Not Really Giving a Crap is making a ‘full English stromboli’, which is bread with a fry-up baked inside it. You just know Nancy is a person you’d want around on a hangover. She’d stick two Nurofen inside a croissant and stroke your hair while marching you to the pub for round two.
After much stuffing, poking and twisting and Luis sticking gold leaf on his olives like an actual effing duke, the showstopper loaves are bake and ready for inspection.
(Suephemism alert! 'Stop touching your dough balls')
Unsurprisingly for one so hirsute, Iain is good at plaits – his Moroccan centerpiece gets a thumbs up, as does Richard’s pesto pinwheel and Luis’ golden crown. But the rest are either lacking in presentation or soggy, and the tremulous aftershock of Paul’s scathing critique fills the marquee. At least I think it’s that, but it could be Martha’s honking cheese.
Nobody expects the Spanish inquisition, but pretty much everyone expected this victory: Luis is star baker. Meanwhile, it’s a battle between normal Norm and Jordan the Jester for this week’s evictee, and after some fierce debate Jordan’s serial cock-ups get him sent home.
'I’m really sad that Jordan’s gone,” says Mary. “He was inventive, he was creative, he was flamboyant…' It’s a bit late for that now, Bezza – YOU KILLED CAPTAIN CHAOS. Not to mention my burgeoning crush.
Next week: It’s hot! Remember, hot? It’s pudding week and just to rub it in our unseasonably chilly faces, they’re doing stuff with heaps of melting ice cream.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.