As we kick off week seven, there’s only six (six!) bakers left and it’s clear they’re feeling the strain. Andrew’s got nervy twitch and even Tom, who was star baker last week, looks about as confident in his baking skills as the rest of the world are in Donald Trump’s ability to deliver a coherent sentence.
This week, it’s dessert week, which is a bummer for those of us that don’t have a sweet tooth. On the up side though, this will give me and my fellow dessert-haters the perfect platform from which to unite and launch our petition to make starters-as-desserts a socially acceptable thing. Join me and fight. Together we can start the revolution. Down with apple tart, up with bruschetta. Or something. The tagline needs work.
First up, the gang are told to make a 'roulade' which is, as far as we can tell, is pretty much like an arctic roll that has got ideas above its station. Tom’s making a millionaire shortbread which is sadly not stuffed with money but with nutmeg, a cruel practical joke to play on your baking-illiterate friends unless Harrods have started accepting spices as currency. In which case yes I WILL take a pair of Gucci loafers in return for 3,653 sticks of cinnamon.
Candice is making a white chocolate roulade because she says that her dad ‘LOVE LOVE LOVES white chocolate’ in a way that makes it sound like her dad is an anomaly and the rest of us wouldn’t drink a bathful of the stuff until we were fat and naked on the floor given half a chance.
Things don’t start off well for Tom who has managed to make a sponge that looks like a cake tin full of sad scrambled eggs. Both Andrew and Candice are making passionfruit fillings for theirs although Andrew is certain in his success because he is using his dad’s recipe and, as he says, he’s ‘got confidence in dad’s curd.’ Cool. Meanwhile Mel is standing very close to Selasi, drooling over the sight of him spreading cream onto his sponge. She’s about as sly as you when you tried to pretend to your mates that you didn’t look at the Orlando Bloom naked paddle boarding pics.
The tough bit comes as the bakers try to roll up their sponge-filled roulade into a massive log - which is a lot more delicious than it sounds. No-one has any major disasters but Mary and Paul still find plenty to take umbrage with like the way Jane’s rolled hers and how much booze she’s put in it, how ‘artificial’ Benjamina’s filling tastes, and how rubbery Candice’s sponge is. No prizes for guessing which judge was behind all that snarking.
For the technical challenge the bakers are making a 'Marjolaine' which, it turns out, is sort of like lasagne except it's got loads of layers of sweet stuff with sweet things in between. Sadly, unlike a lasagne, it doesn’t contain cheese. Which seems like a waste of cheese. Luckily no-one’s got a bloody clue what a Marjolaine is so there’s an outside chance of someone buggering it up and including at least one layer of grated edam..
NB. They’ve got three and a half hours to make this so called ‘marjolaine’. I’ll make you a lasagne in 45 minutes, and it’ll have cheese on it. Whose house do you want to come to for dinner?
Now it’s time for Mel and Sue’s history hour which was sorely missed last week. This time around, they’re taking a look at the history of 'praline' which, it turns out, was so popular in 17th century France that some guy used it as propaganda to get people to support the French monarchy. Which sounds like an idea Labour might want to try? 16 Freddos Jeremy and I’m yours.
When it comes to judging, Selasi’s Marjolaine has got a soggy bottom (I will 900% sort that for you mate) and he comes last, Tom also struggles. Andrew though rectifies his mistakes from last week and comes first! He’s so happy he looks as if he might start leaping, baby deer style, around the tent in glee.
For the showstopper challenge, the bakers have to make 24 mini mousse cakes which, once you remember ‘mousse’ and ‘moose are two different things, makes a lot more sense than it initially did to me.
Tom, earmarked by the judges as one of the people being in trouble this week (along with Selasi, say it ain’t so), is feeling the heat as they kick things off. Even worse? Both him and Benjamina are both doing apple based cakes. Tom’s fine though, don’t worry about it, because he says he’s doing his cake the ‘hipster’ way. This presumably means he’s going to buy it a membership at Shoreditch House and take it for a whiskey cocktail at a pop-up bar that someone’s set up out of the basket of their fixie bike.
As the day drags on, the bakers are struggling to get their mousses (meece?) to set which is not helped by the fact that it’s a super-hot day at Bake Off HQ. As the minutes pass, the mousses begin to collapse and melt - Wicked Witch of the West style. Well, everyone’s mousses except Andrew's whose brought a bloody ferris wheel along to display his mousse cakes on. Overachiever much?
When it comes to judging, Jane does very well, except for her icing, but the cakes taste good and that’s the main thing. She’s so happy she looks like she’s about to cry and I can’t handle it because she looks like my mum and my mum crying on national TV is the thing that will finally bring to understand what the crying face emoji really means.
Selasi’s cakes look a bit of a mess and he gets a bit of a so-so reaction. Candice does well-ish, as does Benjamina but Tom, well, Tom’s cakes look like they’re prawn and egg mayo sandwiches and not the good sort, the sort you now get in the Sainsburys Meal Deal which, let’s face it, are not up to scratch.
And it's Tom who is sent on his way. His hipster mousse cake too progressive for a show as set in its ways as Bake Off. Adios young Tom, back to a world of reclaimed wood and triple roasted coffee. So long.
Like this? Then you might also be interested in:
Great British Bake Off 7 Episode 6: Selasi Makes UsWeak,And The Bakers Struggle With Their Stiff Peaks
Selasi From Bake Off Has A GBBO Viewing Party Every Week And The Food Is Insane
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.