If the full force of Mel and Sue leaving Bake Off hasn’t yet hit you then believe us when we say that this week, Mel manages to get a beaver joke in her VERY FIRST LINE of the episode.
You can’t teach greatness like that.
This week, the bakers, minus Val (who, FYI is currently being deliciously pass-agg on her Instagram as she makes incredibly successful versions of all the bakes that went wrong on the show, stick that in your piping and smoke it Paul) are up to their el-doughs in ‘botanical week’ which sounds like one of the producers went to the Chelsea Flower Show, got a bit squiffy and had what they call in the industry an ‘epiphany’.
Despite our misgivings, all the contestants seem to know what botanical week is which is good, and Mary’s wearing a leather floral bomber because she too knows that botanical means ‘something to do with flowers’.
First up, they’re making citrus meringue pies which Mary says is to her ‘sheer heaven’ – no pressure guys. Most of the bakers are making a sweet pastry with things like coconut and ginger in but Tom, never one to play by the rules (‘Maverick’ he’s called down the local baking club) is making a savoury one.
Selasi too has got a flowery outfit on and, with one devastating grin, manages to kick all our previous misgivings about men in floral wear to the kerb. Mary too is clearly a big fan. ‘I LOVE your shirt’ she says fluttering her eyelashes as Selasi finishes us all off by saying ‘meringue KISSES’ in the most seductive way anyone’s ever managed to talk about egg whites. Mary giggles. Mary knows what’s up. Brb, off to buy my boyfriend anything in hibiscus print.
I am not kidding guys. The innuendo bingo this week is off the charts. Benjamina’s on about piping with her nozzle and using a blow… torch, and making sure her pastry is as ‘thick as Selasi’s’, Jane’s talking about her and her husband putting ‘the lime in the coconut’, Candice is ‘stripping’ her piping bag and Paul’s muttering something about ‘painting the inside of her bag’. Utter filth mongers. The lot of them.
As time runs out on the first task everyone is terribly concerned about their meringues setting in ‘stiff peaks’ which is something we’ve been worrying about with our own meringues for ages. Candice, who’s having a lipstick free week this week, a clear sign that the competition is now VERY SERIOUS INDEED is struggling with her peaks and ends up with a green mush that looks like a melted leprechaun. Tom buggers it up too and, when it comes to judging Mary risks totalling her perfect pink manicure by digging her nail deep into his curd to show just how rubbish it is. How’s that for dedication to the cause?
For the technical round, the bakers are instructed to make two herb fougasse which, as far as I can tell, is a bit of flatbread in the shape of a leaf. TBH, my solution to the problem would be to give Nouvelle Spice in South London a ring, order a naan bread and eat it into the shape of a leaf. Sadly, none of the bakers have my foresight, and they’re all actually making theirs. Andrew is especially excited because fougasse is his choice ‘cinema snack’ proving once again that he is the least relatable 25-year-old on the planet.
Once their dough has proved, the bakers are instructed ‘slash their fougasse’ which Tom (un)fortunately pronounces ‘fougash’. He knew what he was doing. This ‘gash’ talk is only furthered by the spectacular resemblance some of the leaf shaped fougasse bear to the female genitalia. Bake Off; they knew what they were doing.
Ahead of the showstopper round, Paul expresses his concern for every male baker’s future in the competition. Maybe he feels threatened by Selasi. Which is totally understandable. The challenge is to make a three tier ‘floral cake’ which is about three tiers more than we’re capable of. Candice is actually making FOUR tiers – one for each season which technically means her cake should last from January to December although we all know when Paul gets his doughy fingers on it that’s got no chance of happening.
Jane’s putting chocolate collars on her which sound less like a fine cake decoration and more like a very ill-advised offering from London Fashion Week, all those studio lights would mean less of a décolletage accessory and more of a chocolatey neck. TBF though, I’d take a chocolate collar over what Bejamina’s doing which is planning to leave her cake ‘semi-naked’. I know the weather is mild atm but semi-naked? Poor cake, give it a sweatshirt.
With three cakes per bakers, there’s triple the amount of stuff to go wrong. There’s overcooked cakes, undercooked cakes, cakes that get chucked in the sink before they’re anywhere close to being baked – it’s cake-pocalypse. Flour is being shed, gooey dough spilt, piped roses are flopping and in the middle of it is Rav, having a self-confidence break down whilst he sports a thousand yard stare.
The end result is a total mixed bag. Selasi has omg NAILED presentation, ditto for Candice. Andrew gets told off for his simple presentation and his cakes aren’t all that either. Benjamina’s naked cake doesn’t pay off because it looks a little bit like she didn’t manage to finish it. Sadly for her, the top layer’s not baked either.
Rav’s definitely not winning any prizes for presentation and the judges faces when they bite into his cake are kind of like yours when you eat own-brand cereal; it’s not like, bad because it’s FOOD, but it’s definitely not exciting.
In the end it’s Rav who is sent on his merry way, his lack of icing skills the final nail in the coffin for him. So long Rav, farewell. You’ve been a jolly good sport.
Like this? Then you might also be interested in:
Great British Bake Off 7 Episode 5: It's Young Bakers Versus Old And Pastry That Just Won't Fold
Great British Bake Off 7 Episode 4: Churros That Look Like Poos And Mel And Sue Say Toodle-oo
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.