At first, there’s a very real concern that we’re in the middle of a Made In Chelsea flashback, as our first First Dater Zoe explains ‘there’s a certain kind of upper echelon of people who become classical singers’. Oh, please don’t be a raging snob! It’s OK, she’s just despairing of the other raging snobs who are looking for a quick fiddle in the orchestra pit. Zoe has three jobs, which might be more than every cast member of MIC past and present, put together. As well as being a singer, she’s a music teacher and a life coach? ‘Could you not life coach yourself into having a boyfriend?’ asks her date, cheery Tim. Tim is also a singer, albeit an enthusiastic amateur. His am dram group is doing Nine To Five. ‘I get to walk on stage with nothing but my boxer shorts and a hard on!’ he beams. Zoe, he might be a keeper! A guy who can get erect on demand is, ironically, hard to find. Tim is sweet, self-deprecating and thinks that women might be put off by his camp charms if they haven’t already assumed that he’s gay. ‘Girls like people who are a bit more aloof. I don’t have that. I’m Norman Wisdom.’ Most Millennials will have no idea who Norman Wisdom is, and there’s a reason for that.
However, the youth contingent are represented by dairy farmer Ben and country lover Alice, who adores agriculture so much that she’s already joined the Young Farmer’s society to meet men. Alice’s view of the countryside might be a little more romantic than Ben’s reality. ‘I’m milking 350 cows, you’re constantly looking over your shoulder to see who’s going to shit on you next.’ Poor old Ben just wants some company. ‘I miss having someone to talk to. Your dog gets bored and wanders off, and you’re sat watching Top Gun on your own.’ Dude, not even dogs want to watch the same Tom Cruise film every night for the rest of forever! I will pay for your Netflix subscription! Alice has mixed feelings about rural life. ‘Where I live at the moment - you know the Vicar Of Dibley? Everyone you meet is someone’s cousin.’ As opposed to those bustling cities where everyone’s Mum and Dad were only children? They talk about Muddy Matches, a dating app that sounds like Tinder but for the nearest set of hay bales. Ben reveals that internet dating reminds him of selecting bull semen. ‘You look in a brochure, you see pictures, fertility scores…’ Alice looks disgusted. Maybe she doesn’t have the spunk to be a farmer’s wife. (SORRY! Sort of.)
There are more innuendos to come when Zoe goes fully Meg Ryan over a chocolate truffle and then disagrees with Tim over his body confidence issues. ‘I say tush and fie to your chubby!’ Please don’t say it when he’s on stage, it might put him off! Although I don’t think even bull semen could put Tim off Zoe. They climb into a cab and harmonise to Any Dream Will Do.
We meet Sara, a social worker from Rochdale who is so nervous that she asks her date, Nicki, if there’s ‘a word for people who used to live in Amsterdam.’ ‘Dutch?’ suggests Nicki gently. Sara explains her local gay scene magnificently, referring to the dearth of bars and clubs. ‘You’re allowed to be gay every other Sunday.’ It turns out that tough, warm Sara is the Sara Rowbotham, the exceptionally courageous health worker who exposed the Rochdale scandal and was just played by Maxine Peake on TV. ‘I just want to have nice times, I want to be carefree, not stressed or worried or anxious or angry…’ she tells the camera, breaking down as she explains how work has dominated her life over the last few years. Sara truly deserves to meet someone wonderful. Sadly, it’s not Nicki, who comes up with gems such as ‘I’m a deeply spiritual person’ and ‘you are what you eat’. A date with Nicki falls somewhere between a lecture on a subject you can’t quite bring yourself to be interested in, and a telling off.
Next up, it’s beautiful Becky, a 21-year-old clinical support worker who hasn’t been lucky in love. her last boyfriend was a wrong’un, and her intuitive dog knew it and did a wee on his lap. She’s meeting 25-year-old Ryan, who runs an over cleaning business and is so faint-makingly hot that I feel as though I should apply for a license to objectify him for the next 20 minutes. Ryan runs an oven cleaning business, and even touts for custom during his session in the booth. ‘Everyone’s oven is dirty. Look in your oven, and book me in for a visit!’ We learn that Becky can’t drive, and her last test went so badly that the instructor stopped it in the middle, for safety reasons. ‘I took calming tablets…’ Well, as long as you were relaxed…Becky’s last boyfriend cheated on her seven times, and Ryan has been cheated on by ‘every girl I’ve been with.’ ‘Is there something wrong with you?’ retorts Becky. Ryan grins. ‘I’ve got a small dick.’ The holy actual grail of hotness and funniness. Oh, my. Also, they both have dogs called Sadie and Lola. Now, my inner Instagram obsessed cynic says that these names probably both made the top five on Buzzfeed’s ‘List Of Ultimate Things To Call Your Puppy In 2015’ but I believe in love, and love loves a coincidence.
Glamorous divorcée Jo gets set up with silver-haired tycoon Robbie, who is so confident of his sexual appeal that I’d bet £20 that he refers to himself, in his own head, as ‘LL Cool Robbie’. There’s lots of flirting and teasing until Jo is asked to guess his age, and puts it at ‘late 50s’. He’s 51. Angry, emasculated Robbie is thunder-faced, and refuses to see Jo again. ‘I didn’t feel a spark,’ he claims. Oh, mate, there was definitely one when you asked her to put her glasses on. You could have opened Nine To Five with it. Jo had a lucky escape. Even ironically, there’s no excuse for saying ‘cash is king’ as you settle a bill. If Robbie’s bank is reading this, do him a favour and send him a Contactless bank card.
Becky calls Ryan a fat pig, out of giddy, fancying nerves, and he goes in for a snog. She tries to think of something nice to say to him. ‘You’ve got really striking eyes! You’ve got eyes and…teeth. That’s the nicest thing I’m going to say.’ Well done, Ryan, your reward is…the ability to chew! If these two hadn’t got it on, I think we’d all be entitled to demand refunds from Channel 4 and God. Ryan cancelled their second date. Reschedule, or we’ll picket the restaurant - and clean our own ovens. You know we’re serious if we’re volunteering to do housework.
Best of our love
Cuties Zoe and Tim were the perfect combination of weird and wonderful together. If you’re looking for The One, you could do worse than finding someone who will sing with you in a taxi. It’s worth wrecking your Uber rating for love!
Heartbreak côte hell
Jo and Robbie’s date was probably the hardest one to watch, possibly because there’s nothing more depressing than a man in his fifties sulk like a small boy. Robbie clearly thinks he’s Gordon Gecko, but Jo would be better off finding companionship with a pet lizard.
Like This? Then You Might Also Be Interested In:
First Dates 8.3: A Musical Interlude, Confusion Over Food And Pleasant Pheasant Chat
** Follow Daisy on Twitter @notrollergirl**
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.