We’re all familiar with the idea of nominative determinism - the idea that if you’re born into a family of Hammers, you might end up working in the construction industry, or that if your surname is Fang it probably isn’t your fault if you end up breaking into people’s houses at night or sucking the blood out of their necks. (The most heartbreaking case of it I ever heard was that of an old schoolfriend’s Dad’s pal, who was nicknamed Stumpy for obscure, rugby playing related reasons - and then ended up losing the use of his leg during a coastguarding exercise.)
However, there is also a real danger that you might become the opposite of your name. That your handle’s ego will write cheques that your body can’t cash, and your whole identity will become a broken, vandalised, card swallowing ATM. So it is with poor Deadly, our first dater, who rechristened himself during his brief music career - when he really should have gone with ‘Stings a bit’ or ‘symptoms should lessen after 48 hours’. Deadly’s date is Ellen, and she’s his dream girl - because she has a nose piercing and…well, she’s a girl. Sadly, Ellen does not look at Deadly and feel any kind of fatal attraction, but she does see someone who can be persuaded to perform at her improv night. (Just in case you think Ellen is being harsh, do you know what Deadly does for fun? He makes an internet database of all of the famous people who passed away in 2016, searchable by cause of death).
Next, another close but no chocolate cigar shaped after dinner wafer couple - Barbara and Tony. Tony tells us he is a VERY considerate lover, with a wink and a waggle which might refer to oral sex, or to being prepared to fork out £7.50 for a single dying rose after you’ve necked a bottle of sugary prosecco at a Covent Garden pavement cafe. Bobbed Barbara is a burlesque dancer, does a trick with a napkin and tells an anecdote that more or less ends with ‘and he had an erection! LOL!’ Tony is smitten, but Barbara does not feel the same - even though Tony used to work in chocolate and was head of Aeros. All of the Aeros! That has to be enough to stiffen a girl’s truncheon, no? Just think of all those boxes of slightly gone off Aeros sitting in the garage, next to the Ronseal…
On to poor Anne, who clearly fancies her date, Chaka, like crazy, and becomes so nervous and overwrought that she starts speaking as though she’s giving a seminar on pick up artistry, as David Brent. Chaka is from Germany, so Anne flirtily says ‘I have a rule - never date Germans!’ Chaka has long nails, so Anne accuses her of being a ‘pillow princess’. As Chaka blushingly explains, this is a woman who is, sexually speaking, reluctant to get her hands dirty. Anne realises she’s losing her audience and comes back with a list of those she’s recently loved and lost - her ex, her Gran, her dog, her horse. Bizarrely, Chaka is hooked!
The most gorgeous couple of the night are DJ Rashun and dental nurse Tara, who, as Fred says, looks a bit like Kim Kardashian. Tara breaks our hearts by telling us about an evil ex who broke up with her for not being attractive enough, after finding Facebook pictures that were taken before she lost five stone. Then she goes to the loo and says that Rashun is too short to fancy!
Just when we’re all ready to give up hope, we meet widower Grahame, who is only 33 and tragically lost his wife to cancer - and Daniela, a sweet 25 year old who has lived in the UK for five years, and admits that sometimes she goes to the Polish foods aisle at Tesco to have a little homesick weep. Daniela has only one stipulation when it comes to what her dream man should be like. He needs to have enormous hands - although she’s partial to beards, too. Grahame is Hagrid. His beard is so voluminous that he has a special brush for it. Also, he and Daniela live within about half a mile of each other. I would put all of the money that I haven’t spent on Aeros on these two having the first First Dates wedding.
Happy ever after
Daniela and Grahame are a joy together. Watching them is like coming home after getting caught in the rain and peeling off your wet socks, or realising that it’s six o’clock, your hangover hasn’t killed you and that you can order a Dominos, or your Uber appearing right where you’re standing, within two minutes of you hitting request. It might be the love that can unite the nation. We needed this.
Love at worst sight
There was a dearth of good dates, but for me, shallow Tara took the biscuit with her stipulation that you must be this tall to ride this woman. However, there must be many millions of women who are delighted that Rashun is single. I can’t imagine his daughter will be calling him ‘sad and depressed’ for much longer.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.