This week’s First Dates features a very unusual man indeed. He’s possibly the only person in the country who has never seen Game Of Thrones. ‘It’s not real, it’s lies. I like things that are based on some kind of objective fact. Dragons, I have an issue with,’ explains the history buff, even though he is a real person who is based entirely on a fictional character - Mark Corrigan from Peep Show. He’s even named Mark! Happily, he’s been paired up with the super smart Sophie, who is every bit as nerdy as Dobby. ‘You’re like, a total history nerd!’ exclaims Mark, half aroused and half terrified of being out-geeked. ‘Yah, but…a really cool one!’ pleads Sophie, who was expounding on Star Wars before she had her first drink.
Still, Sophie opened with a pyramid fact (Cleopatra, the last ruler of Ptolemaic Egypt, was closer in time to iPhones than the building of the pyramids) and when Mark was on holiday, he nicked a bit of pyramid! As long as it actually was a Pharaoh’s residence, and not some confusion about a bit of airport Toblerone, these two might be made for each other.
Do you remember lovely Greig, the charming Scottish chap who was sent away from the restaurant by the rude man who said ‘I just don’t fancy you’ before the mains arrived - and then stayed put and ate his steak? Well, like a plane crash survivor riding a baggage carousel, Greig is back for another go, and he’s been paired up with lovely Sean, another Manchester man. ‘Have you been on a blind date before?’ asks an unknowing Sean, as Greig screams with laughter and tries not to smack the table. All Greig wants is to settle down with a dog. To be honest, I think that he feels Sean’s toy Yorkie is too tiny to actually count as a dog, but he’s already planning to fill Sean’s house with German shepherds. If there isn’t a First Dates / Supervet crossover show by the end of the year, I’m picketing Channel Four.
Next we have Heather, a very young looking 72 year old who likes ‘The 50 Shades of Grey’ and Gary, 71, who likes ‘Joanna Lumley or Carol from the weather programme’. Heather grew up in the Exclusive Brethren, ‘and was brought up in submission to men’. Heather and Gary agree that this is Not A Good thing, leaving the rest of us with many questions about Heather’s interpretation of ‘The 50 Shades of Grey’. Perhaps she just likes the knob gags. ‘Cor, that’s a big one!’ she exclaims, as Gary the gentleman gets his umbrella out for her. They both fall about, and it makes me want to hug them both.
We meet Russell, a ‘self made man’, who thinks his worst quality is ‘a big forehead’. He’s dating Kelly, who describes herself as ‘kind of a bit of a knob’. Kelly is a sommelier turned stand up, which Russell charmingly describes as ‘not a fucking job’. Her face falls, and his turns thunderous. ‘I’M JOKING!’ he bellows. No, that’s what she does. He’s just being a dickhole.
It gets worse. ‘For a comedian you look hot. Female stand up comedians…they’re not usually that attractive. They’re quite fat. Anyway, what’s your comedy like…so far it’s been quite shit…that’s a FUCKING JOKE.’ It is to Kelly’s eternal credit that she’s not got her phone out and ordered an Uber to come straight to the table. Poor Russell grew up in care, and is clearly still working through a lot of issues. ‘I’ve been let down a lot by women in my life. The more I go on dates and it doesn’t work out, the higher the brick wall will get. My heart will be iglooed.’ Dude, our heart goes out to you but you can’t blame all of women for the fact that you’re being completely horrible. You might as well blame buses, because your Mum probably used them and fiancé got on one just before she dumped you.
Kelly dumps him with kindness, tinged with a magnificent streak of cruelty. ‘I think you’re lovely, but I got a bit sad for you,’ Hearing pity in your date’s voice is worse than hearing ‘it’s a bit itchy down there but I don’t think there’s any point seeing a doctor, really. This is though Russell has thrown out a desperate ‘you’ve got a nice figure,’ before they sit down. ‘There’s something about you that repulses me! I’m joking? Do you think that’s where I go wrong?’ he begs. Why was ‘negging’ the part of The Game that men misremember and mess up? If you’re going to do something truly stupid to get women, just do card tricks and wear a fedora! In fact, please where a fedora so we can see you coming, and hide in the loo until you’re gone!
Our final daters are Luke and Alice. He’s an international club DJ, she’s the voice of McDonalds over in the States. They look at each other as though they’ve decided to get married before sitting down. Luke is so generous and gentlemanly that I want one of the waiters to pull Russell out of his date so he can sit and learn from a master. He even stops eating while Alice is in the loo. Alice has bravely dealt with ME, and explains that she struggles to maintain her energy levels needing a day’s rest between dates. She also has a stairlift in her house, and Luke does not make a stairway to heaven joke. Not sure this is a point in his favour or a black mark. Alice forgets her wallet and explains this as charmingly as a Richard Curtis character who needs to con someone out of a wedding dress while on her way to the airport. If I were in this situation, I’m sure I’d be about as charming as someone in the Cash Converters queue with a stolen X Box under their arm.
Happily, everyone but Russell and poor Kelly has found love, including Grieg and Sean, who have been ‘inseparable’! We even see Heather and Gary enjoying Gary’s hot tub, which is a joy, even if we’re now trying very, very hard to shut out all thoughts of exactly how many shades of grey Gary might be harbouring under his trunks.
Forever lovers
Everyone was a contender this week - but even though competition from Gary and Heather was, erm, stiff, lovely Greig and Sean are our couple of the week. Y viva Ibiza!
Love Nope
Rude Russell could do with a crash course in dating without alienating - although we’d love to see Kelly at standup, or maybe for chats and Chapel Down. Let’s hope she comes back to the restaurant!
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.