Because Christmas Day is enough of a faff as it is, what with Grandpa John spouting racist crap about his next door neighbour and Auntie Sarah’s eye welling up more with each sip of sherry that she takes, the last thing you need to do is start arguing over what to watch on the telly box.
Here, we’ve pulled together the ultimate Christmas Day (family safe – no errant boobs or sex scenes here thank you very much) viewing guide to help you through this ever so trying time.
9:40AM The Simpsons Triple Bill – Channel 4
Because no-one can argue with The Simpsons. Especially not Christmas specials. And these three certainly won’t disappoint. Includes the one where Marge breaks down in joy because Homer gives her the last pork chop. What a guy.
11 AM Carols From King’s – BBC Two
To keep Mum and Nana happy. Plus, you can marvel at the ability of the little choir boys to sing at a higher pitch than you. Which is handy, since the choir doesn’t have any women in. They’d probably get their periods and forget the words or something.
11:30AM Happy Feet – ITV
Gently prize the remote out of your snoring Mum’s hand (she’s been up since 5AM basting... bless) and switch over from the carols to the film that they’ve been trying to push as a new Christmas classic since 2006. Does include dancing penguins though so is kind of worth (another) watch.
1:45PM Muppet Christmas Carol – Channel 4
ALL HAIL THE HIGHLIGHT OF THE DAY. Sure there’s about seventeen different versions of Scrooge’s story on today but nothing but nothing will beat the Muppets’ retelling. Altogether now ‘It’s true wherever you find love it feels like Chriiiiiiistmmaaaaas’. God bless us everyone. Even that sickly little frog posing as Tiny Tim.
3:10 PM Brave – BBC1
Bechdel test passing film fans unite for Brave, Pixar’s excellent 2012 film about Merida, a Scottish princess who refuses to get married and, by the by, has to figure out how to turn her mother back into a human from a bear. Obviously. Might even put a stop to Uncle Henry’s jokes about you not being in the kitchen.
4:35PM ET – ITV2
Switch over and catch a bit of ET before…
5:15PM – Doctor Who – BBC One
Because statistics show that at least one household this Christmas will contain a diehard fan of the Doctor and his work. If it’s not you, it’ll be a family member who’ll kick up a massive stink if he/she’s not allowed to watch it. Placate them and tune in. It’s not worth the fight.
BREAK
(Because if the telly’s on, Nan might get wind that she’s missing Strictly. And we can’t have that.)
7:30 PM Toy Story – BBC Three
Mainly because it’s a great film but also because it’s on at the same time as Call The Midwife.
8:45PM Downton Abbey - ITV
It’s the last one guys. Someone’s bound to die. Maybe they all do.
10:45 Father Ted – More4
The Christmas special to end all Christmas specials. Father Ted singlehandedly saves a group of priests that find themselves lost in Ireland’s largest lingerie department. Even if you’ve seen it a trillion times, fingers crossed you’ll be drunk enough by now to laugh like it’s the first time.
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The Most Embarrassing Work Christmas Party Stories We Could Get Our Hands On
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.