The lovely thing about the First Dates universe is that it knows life is painful, frustrating and unpredictable - as is dating - and while we need the programme to reflect the human experience, we also need to see happy, beautiful people who are desperate to shag each other and for this to be showcased with maximum charm and minimal crunchy bed sheet shots. Thanks to this understanding of our basic needs, the producers have brought together Toby and Brie, who are so
Thanks to this understanding of our basic needs, the producers have brought together Toby and Brie, who are so blondely good looking that they're within half a millimetre of possibly being related. We're in love with them both the second that Brie introduces herself 'like the cheese'. There's a moment of misheard horror when there's a possibility that Toby might not like cheese, but then it's all good! He lived in Barcelona for five years - she lived in Spain for 12! She dreams of a 'typical rugby lad' but without the 'lad'. He plays whenever he gets the chance, but he's not a player. He wouldn't give a girl a runaround even if someone gave him a special mobility scooter to do so. A solid five hearts out of five.
From full hearts to heartbreak - it's time to meet 32-year-old Susie, who blames low confidence for the fact that she's unlucky in love. (One charmer told her he didn't usually date women larger than a size 12, 'but for you I'll make an exception.' URGHHH. Why are men?') Susie has a stutter that gets especially bad when she's nervous - yet she's going on a date. With a stranger. On national TV. THAT'S how committed she is to falling in love. She is GORGEOUSLY courageous.
Her date is 30-year-old IT consultant Martin, who loves Star Trek. He loves it so much that he mentions it twice in the interview booth, once to Fred and to Susie before he's sat down. Susie takes a deep breath and starts talking about superheroes, and we think we can relax for a second. Now to meet Bonnie, Mum to four-year-old London ('he was born in 2012, during the Olympic Games') and her date Perry. Bonnie is looking for The One, but hopes The One has a full schedule on Thursday 'because I do my fake tanning on a Thursday. You can't have a cuddle,' and when deciding between steaks, chooses 'the beef one'. To be fair, we've ALL had those mystery meat steaks that could have been beef, pork, chicken or car tyre.
Perry is scornful, but Bonnie has magical powers of seduction and soon has turned the geezeriest of geezers into a man who can do a full blooded impression of Sebastian from the Little Mermaid (although do invertebrates have blood? Are crabs invertebrates? I must look this up). He's so overcome with joy that he laughs until he's about to cough up a lung. Perry, this woman is special and you must never let her go. Just start stockpiling the Benylin.
Also being impressively brave is Sarah, who hasn’t been on a date for 30 years. In a way, it’s weird that she wants to do it on TV, but in another way it makes total sense. If you’re newly single after watching the world change over three decades, dating on TV probably seems safer and less scary than Tinder. Sarah is probably just grateful that she doesn’t have to squeeze her tits into something neoprene and jiggle for Paddy McGuinness. Sarah’s hobby is pheasant beating - she tells us if you sit on your hands for ages before hitting the ground with the stick, it feels like someone else is disturbing the pheasants. Will she fall for Will, the fishing instructor who looks like he either edits Country Life or stopped reading Country Life in 2005 because it got too urban? Will brings damson and bullace vodka, but makes his lovely gesture look a bit odd as he yells ‘AND BULLACE’ every time the damsons are mentioned, as if he’s Lil Wayne and doesn’t think that Ludacris is name checking him enough mid rap.
Susie bravely shares the story of how she lost her Dad in her teens, and our hearts break all over again. Inevitably, Toby and Brie cosy up under the special date blanket (which must be a little sticky with burger grease and ketchup by now) and then go for drinks immediately. Less inevitably, we learn that Susie and Martin would only see each other again ‘as friends’. Let’s be real, there’s only so much Star Trek chat a non-fan can take, but Martin isn’t going to find another Susie anytime soon. If he dares to come to her burlesque night just to get a look at her boobs, we’ll be very cross with him. Bonnie tells Perry about having her arm and elbow broken by her abusive ex. It’s shocking, and brave. This is why TV can be so important and powerful. Domestic violence isn’t all about sad stock photos and abstract statistics. It’s women like Bonnie - and women like us. Women with great highlights who eat steak and know all the words to The Little Mermaid.
Next, we meet DJ Nancie and house music fan Noura - a bonus couple in the Toby and Brie mould. They’re gorgeous, they’re compatible and the chemistry could melt a Bunsen burner. Nancie rings her mates during the obligatory ‘going for a wee but I’m actually going to talk about you!’ shot, and squeals with delight. ‘I think my friends would say you’re the hottest girl I’ve been with,’ she tells Noura, who says later ‘I still don’t know if she fancies me.’ Oh, come on! Obviously, they get it together, after an encouraging game of footsie. Noura, if you’re reading this, where are your shoes from?
Sadly it’s not a match for Sarah and Will 'BULLACE' the fisherman. But poor Will is effectively competing with Sarah’s adored dead husband, and Sarah was very pleasant with her pheasant chat. Sarah might not have found love, but we think she’s found a little bit of confidence and she might have inspired thousands of viewers to get the Latin for ‘FUCK IT’ tattooed on their feet.
Love’s young dream
Nancie and Noura are so perfect for each other that if we didn’t know better, we’d think that their dialogue was scripted by Dame Barbara Cartland herself. Let’s hope that the relationship goes past the texting point.
Scathe the date
Will seems like a charming chap but if he wants to find the one, he has to stop banging on about forest fruits. Let’s hope that Sarah’s plan to go stalking with him involves tweed, not restraining orders.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.