Hands up if you remember the story of Narcissus? Narcissus is a figure from classical legend who became so transfixed by the beauty of his own reflection in a river that he ended up being frozen to the spot on a bank nearby. In ancient times, men were punished for their vanity, but in 2017 they get modelling contracts. Frankie tells us that he loved his own reflection so much as a child that he'd look into the mirror and gaze at himself when his Mum was talking to him. Now he is a catwalk king. 'I don't really have a walk, it's just generally walking about. You gotta not smile.' Who's he looking for? 'I don't wanna say Barbie, but...' Yes, Frank wants a lady who is shiny, silent and no more than eight inches tall.
The gorgeous Rosie might be a bit too chatty and human-sized, but otherwise, she fits the bill. She's sick of men who promise her a night in the penthouse 'but it turns out to be the Premier Inn.' Hey, don't knock the purple palace! You could do a lot worse than a Hypnos bed. However, Rosie is a girl of simple tastes. 'I don't really do a lot of dating. I like...bowling.' Frankie likes bowling too. 'My best score is 187. You don't know what that means, do you?' Frankie, she does. She's just not bothered.
Happily, Frankie's ultra modern levels of self-obsession are not present in our next couple, Cecilia and Raymon. At first, we don't fancy Raymon's chances - Cecilia will not be drawn on her age, favourite food or hunger levels. The dapper Raymon is the oldest First Dater, at 91, and he's still heart-stoppingly handsome. In his wedding day picture, he could out Clooney Clooney in a charisma competition. He tells the sweetest, saddest story about his honeymoon in Positano, and how he ended up on the floor after trying to push some double beds together, and then has a small, dignified sob over his much-missed wife. I'm sure Nicholas Sparks is already wondering who to cast in Raymon: The Movie.
Katie and Dave start strong, story wise - she once smashed her teeth out moonwalking, he spends a lot of time covered in spit while working on his Dad's alpaca farm. Katie wants a waffle - someone who is edgy on the outside, soft on the inside and presumably always has a couple of baked beans stuck to them. Dave is more of a mashed potato man - he's all soft. But who doesn't love mashed potato?! Katie isn't sure. 'I just don't know if you're the one I want to be with forever,' she frowns. Dude, this isn't The Bachelor! You don't have to sign anything! Take a chance on lovely Dave and his girly hands! Happily, she changes her mind. You’re funny, you’re good looking, you’re interesting - I’ll come and see your alpacas, she giggles. Hooray!
Next, we meet glamorous granny Helen, and Martin, whose self-confessed style icon is Frank from Shameless. Despite both being music fans from Manchester, it's not a goer, perhaps because Martin can't stop saying 'mustn't grumble' and has a best mate called Fozzy. When he finally falls for Helen and her 'beautiful eyelashes' - and if those really belong to her, then I must have acquired my highlights by sitting in the sun last Bank holiday Monday - Helen has decided that it's a taxi for one sort of night.
While Frankie is being rude about Chihuahuas and snogging Rosie under a blanket, we meet our final couple, Sarah and Phil. There's an alarming moment where Phil is playing a ukelele in his intro package, but we think it's a symptom of nerves rather than being a lifestyle choice. Sarah is gorgeous, nervous and not confident of her chances. 'I work in my Mum's chicken shop...and I work for a cancer charity'. she tells Phil. Way to bury the lede. Sarah had cancer as a teen, and had her leg amputated - and heartbreakingly Phil lost his Mum to cancer when he was in his teens. It's a shockingly tender piece of television, as you see them gently open up to each other and become united in their vulnerability. I think this is why the programme is so beloved - we get to watch humans at their saddest, sweetest and silliest. Adorably, Sarah is genuinely shocked that Phil thinks she's beautiful and wants to see her again, even though everyone watching at home will have been making £1 bets with their friends that this is the couple to watch. Rosie and Frank have a happy ending too - if Frank has managed to eat an entire dinner without looking at his face in the back of a spoon because he wants to look at his date, it must be love.
Love is real:
Sarah and Phil shared glances so tender and intense that even if their romance doesn't work out, they could star in a touring production of Brief Encounter.
None of the feels
The more Martin said 'mustn't grumble', the more I wanted to complain to Ofcom on poor Helen's behalf. I hope she comes back - maybe Fred can find her someone with nicer shoes.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.