At midnight last night the embargo on reviews for the new Cats film lifted, and a tidal wave of reviews washed across the internet. It transpires, to absolutely no one's surprise, that the film is completely and utterly bonkers and not necessarily in a good way.
Our suspicion was raised by the trailer - a carnival of cats with human teeth and breasts, in strange perspective to objects that all seemed to be the wrong size. And it seems that we were right to be worried about the film.
'Cats is a baffling, humourless CGI nightmare—and the people deserve an explanation' says Prospect Magazine, with the reviewer writing: 'History books of the future will tell of the twin disasters in December 2019. The first, the Labour Party’s results in a pivotal general election. The second, Cats.'
The Evening Standardpulls no punches, calling the film, 'almost as obscene as the Human Centipede', and writing, 'There are moments when this film seems not so much an adaptation of a nonsense classic as a horror story.'
The Guardian{
'Now Cats is on film, with many a lonely puss
Played by performers of A-lister class.
But the number of mammaries looks frankly erroneous
And tails that appear to emerge from each arse...'
The Daily Beastwent for a straighter write-up. 'Is there a rhyme or reason to when the cats crawl on all fours versus when they walk on two feet like humans? How is it that nearly every character makes a reference to their private parts, yet there were no private parts to speak of? Will I make it to this end of this paragraph with my sanity intact?'
The Independent summed up the nightmarish quality of the whole thing by writing: 'What can you say when faced with Ian McKellen, CGI-ed into a cat-person body, gingerly licking milk out of a bowl? How do you react to Idris Elba throwing off his coat to reveal a set of rippling cat abs? What do you do when Taylor Swift starts shaking her cat boobs, while sprinkling catnip into an enraptured crowd?'
Nightmarish, nonsensical, confusing and full of cat breasts. One and two star reviews across the board and the prospect of Ian McKellen shouting 'MIOW MIOW MIOW' a la Gandalf. There is no doubt that the film is a big furry car crash. Such an enormous car crash that it's hard to resist booking tickets.