The Frozen soundtrack was just named the biggest selling album of 2014, the sequel is rumoured to be coming out at some point to the delight and hysteria of millions, and after every human I’ve ever met responding to the fact I hadn’t watched it by closing their eyes and holding their heart in pure rapture before whispering ‘YOU MUST’, I thought I’d give it a whirl.
I love Disney, I secretly love some musicals (but never tell anyone this), and when I see a nice mountain or a sunset I get as emoshe as the next person with a soul – but Frozen is disappointing.
Can we admit this? Are we allowed to admit this? I’m admitting this. I’ve seen it twice now and, while it’s not massive balls, it’s certainly no more than just ‘a fine kids’ movie’, three excellent Snowman moments aside.
NB I feel bad because of all the kids who love it, and fully expect to get lynched, but I just had to say something OK? I had to. I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I’ll try to go easy.
The plot is shit
OK I can’t go easy. Think about the classics – Aladdin, Lion King, Cinderella, Beauty and the Beast. They’ve got plots that zip along with good pacing, entertaining the kids while still keeping to the classic film structure of issue, struggle, resolution. Maybe a curveball thrown in towards the third quarter (SCAR IS KING?!!).
Frozen crams in so much stuff, and at such odd points that it gets a bit ridiculous. Suddenly the kids are older, the parents are dead and Elsa’s gone. Bye. Then, towards the end, the writers attempt to stick the plot of a whole movie in 15 minutes – that guy’s good, no he’s bad, there she is, where’s she, she’s dying, she’s run off, she comes back, he’s melting, wait no he’s not. And don’t get me started about the trolls – who are introduced in one song and then don’t do anything else interesting. Also, love how, ‘Oh yeah true love’s kiss will save you’ is introduced with about five minutes to go, really casual like.
The character motivations leave a lot to be desired
I’m really enjoying how wanky I’m being, but let’s roll with it: Hans is a ridiculous character. There is no reason why he suddenly flip-flops at the end and becomes bad, and it feels very underwritten. Also, there’s that older guy who is sort of evil and hates Elsa and wants to buy some land or whatever (I was really bored at this point) is set up to be some sort of villain and then you never see him again until the end where he’s being dragged away (presumably to prison) and nobody either cares or is sure why. Why is he even involved in the script? I want Jafar. I want an evil man with a parrot that he sort of hates to turn into a big snake.
Elsa is an idiot
There is no reason she continually pushes her sister away. Sorry, what she did wasn’t her fault and everyone knows that and the whole, ‘Oh she’s got powers, she’s evil!’ thing would be rectified by a good bit of PR. Or just saying, ‘Hey, I didn’t mean to do that, everyone! I will do my best to use my powers for good, here’s an ice rink!’.
The parents are the villains
They were so mean to Elsa! The reason she’s so damaged is because she grew up in a locked room unable to see anyone and had to wear gloves for ages. Gloves are really annoying, no wonder she’d prefer to be alone. But seriously, her parents don’t get enough stick for this – probably because they suddenly die for no apparent reason other than plot. It’s so sudden that I checked the time on my phone and missed the whole thing. I expected them to come back as ghosts or something so Elsa could sort out any unresolved issues, but obviously that doesn’t happen and she blames it all on herself.
If you want people to think you’re alright, don’t hire an ice marshmallow man
If Elsa doesn’t want to be seen as a monster, why doesn’t she just hide herself and make a really intense maze of ice that is impossible to enter. That’s way less sinister than making a huge, stupid ice blob man to kill everyone. Because, erm, then everyone will hate you more. Obviously.
There’s only one good song
OK, two at a push. Yes, Let It Go is very good so well done everyone and have a nice celebratory scone. The song with the little rocks that turn into trolls – AGAIN, WHAT AN AWFUL PLOT DECISION, HEY WE WANT TO CREATE SOME CHEMISTRY LET’S GO TO SOME TROLLS WHO WILL NEVER APPEAR AGAIN IN THE FILM – is also quite nice, if annoying. And that’s it really. The rest are a bit crap, sorry everyone.
A man saves everything
Yeah Anna is feisty, but she still needs a snog to keep her alive. Oh OK, in the end (spoiler) she actually just needs an act of love with her sister, which I suppose is quite nice and feminist, so go on then, on second thoughts you can have that.
The snowman isn’t as good as everyone says
Yeah, he’s got about three great lines, but he’s no Genie (Aladdin reference). And sort of comes off as a less exciting Donkey from Shrek.
It’s a kids’ movie
All of these sorts of movies are kids’ movies, but Frozen is way more kiddy-oriented than many others, which is probably why I don’t like it. It’s not for me. So stop being 27 and saying it’s your favourite film, and go watch a film that’s got a well crafted plot, interesting characters and makes you feel emotions other than ‘Look my four-year-old niece is crying, so am I’.
Liked this? You might also be interested in:
How To Frozen The Fuck Out Of Your Occasionwear, Whether You’re More Elsa Or Olaf
Things You Only Know If You Impersonate Elsa From Frozen For A Living
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.