Like most people, we were shamelessly curious about the new *Fifty Shades of Grey, *aka the most hyped movie since the final installment in the Harry Potter series and so today, ticket in hand, we trotted down to the very first screening of it we could find. FYI for future reference... 12:45 on a slight hangover is not an ideal time to watch BDSM being acted out on screen.
Rather than write what you already know... there's not enough sex, the film's pretty terrible etc etc, we give you: Fifty Shades By Numbers. No, we're not painting you a picture of a willy with dots in different sections, but instead, we've picked out our favourite moments in the film so you know which bits of look out for - and possibly fast forward to - when you finally get around to watching the film. Which, with our cinema ticket costing a whopping £17.50 (!!!) might be when it comes out on DVD.
Disclaimer: There's a couple of things I didn't get exact times for, like the minute in which I realised that Jamie Dornan has slightly wonky eyes.
**Fifty Shades: In Numbers
19 - The number of people I could see from my seat that were definitely sitting alone.
1/3 - About how full the cinema was. Disappointing. It is a work day after all but it's Friday kids. Come on.
4 - The number of times Christian warns Ana that he's trouble and/or bad news and/or doesn't have a heart. Give it a rest mate.
5 - The number of times Christian orders Ana to eat.
4 - The number of times Christian gets a bit sad about his childhood. Again, come on mate.
7 - The number of times Ana tries tries to get him to change (often accompanied by a little cry).
4589 - The number of times Ana bites her lip. Probably.
If all the bad reviews and rumours of lead actors not getting on have put you off seeing it altogether then we've also put together a minute by minute breakdown of the whole film in all of it's awful gloriousness, so you don't actually have to watch it, but can still talk about it at the pub.
**Fifty Shades of Grey: Minute by Minute **
0 - The film begins. Obviously.
1 - Jamie Dornan's bare back. Oo-er.
2 - 'You know where you're going?' 'I do have a 4.0 GPA.' Alright love.
3 - Anastasia falls on her face in front of Christian Grey. The two meet as soon as she rights herself.
6 - 'Are you a control freak? Oh, I exercise control in many things.' KNOWING WINKS ALL ROUND GUYS
7 - 'Are you gay?' Oh Ana, you sweet, sweet child.
12 - Ana looks lustfully at Christian's pictures on Google Images
14 - In the hardware shop: 'Do you stock cable ties? Masking tape?' I can see where this is going…
18 - IS HE YOUR BOYFRIEND? OR IS HE YOUR BOYFRIEND?
20 - The kiss! It's alright. Also 'I'm not the man for you. You should steer clear of me'. Oh stop it.
24 - Ana throws up in front of him. 24 minutes in and she's fallen over and thrown up in front of this guy. Our kind of lady.
25 - Ana faints for pretty much no reason.
27 - HIGHLIGHT - Christian eats some half-eaten toast out of Ana's hand whilst topless in what is supposed to be a seductive manner.
28 - 'I don't do romance. You wouldn't understand.'
33 - First kind of sexy bit in the form of Christian basically pulling a seat belt into her crotch. THAT'S NOT WHERE THE BUCKLE GOES SON.
35 - HIGHLIGHT - 'Are you going to make love to me now? I don't make love. I fuck… hard'. People are laughing a lot now.
Girl next to me audibly says 'oh my God it's so cringe.'
38 - 'YOU'RE A SADIST!'
42 - Nips.
43 - Jamie Dornan's bum gets its first outing.
44 - Penetration.
47 - A scene I like to call 'bath time'.
53 - A particularly gross outfit from Christian. Worth looking out for. Involves a shiny blue shirt.
60 - Safe words come up. 'Yellow' and 'red'. And we were imagining something more abstract and fun.
62 - Blindfold!
64 - Aaaaand the first smack on the bum.
68 - Ana politely asks for anal fisting and, actually, vaginal fisting to be taken out of the contract.
71 - HIGHLIGHT - 'I would like to fuck you into the middle of next week.' Hands down this got the most laughs of the entire film. A personal favourite moment.
75 - Ana agrees to the sexy, sexy contract. Here we go.
84 - Christian is surprisingly good at plaiting hair.
90 - Awkward dancing - it's fantastic.
91 - Rita Ora! For all of two seconds.
106 - A montage we like to call 'slow-mo peacock feather and whips with religious music in the background'.
110 - BEST BIT - 'Because I'm fifty shades of fucked up.' The film's climax (lol) for me.
112 - 'Don't fucking touch me' & some crying.
120 - It ended about here. Not exactly sure, I was too busy clapping and giving the film a standing ovation. Maybe.
Like this? Then you might also be interested in:
Follow Cat on Twitter @CatOlley
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.