Uber Drivers On The Most WTF Things They’ve Heard Passengers Say In Their Cars

Did you get pissed and have a DMC in the Uber this weekend? Here's a reminder that your driver was listening.

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by Jess Commons |

Here's a reminder on something that plenty of people seem very capable of forgetting; your Uber driver is a real living breathing person who is sitting less than two feet away from you.

It's probably worth remembering that. Not like, to the extent that you make up a song about how much you love them which you sing on a loop from Westminster to Camberwell (hello my friend John), but to the extent that you remember they might not find your story about shagging your ex in a pub toilet while your best friend cheered you on as funny as your friends do.

Over on Reddit today, Uber drivers are sharing the best overshares they've ever heard in their cabs. Let's hope your story isn't on there.

This guy who found out that size isn't everything

'Two girls taking about how they fucked the same guy. Both agreed his dick was too big and he was hurting them by lasting too long, both concluded he was gay.'

This guy who found out there's more than meets the eye in some situations

'I picked up this young overly affectionate couple that spent the entire trip making out in my backseat and telling each other that they loved each other. Cute.

So I drop off the couple and head on my way to pick up my text fare. I hear a cellphone ring in my backseat, realize it's my previous ride's, and pick up the phone to let them know I have it and I'll come back to drop it off. Turns out it was the guys wife phoning to check in on him while he was on a business trip, which he was thoroughly enjoying with his mistress.'

This guy, who also found out about infidelity

'Picked up 2 dudes. They were talking about how they were going to keep hiding their relationship from their wives and children. Pretty messed up stuff.'

This guy, whose passengers were on a thill ride.

'One time I had a group of 3 guys, probably around my age (mid 20s). They seemed nervous, avoided eye contact, and were pretty much silent from the moment they hopped in. I tried confirming the destination, asked how their night was going, etc, but only got muffled mumbling in return.

As always, I worked the situation out in my head in a calm, rational manner. Something like, "Are these guys trying to rob me? Jack my car? Did they just kill somebody? Am I an accessory to murder? Do they have knowledge of the impending apocalypse?"

But as my paranoia routine winded down, I slowly started to realize what was going on. Between the beads of sweat, occasional jaw clenching, and finally - random giggle outbursts... these kids were tripping fucking balls.

Once it hit me I called them out immediately and told them I was cool. They looked so relieved. I started blasting music (some Umphrey's McGee I do believe) and they just started geeking out by that point. Fun ride.

At the end of the ride, the guy that sat up front tossed me a bag of shrooms. Good times.'

This guy, who was actually a passenger

'Not a driver but a passenger, this is my story:

I get picked up at around 2:15 am after the bars. Older man, white volvo station wagon. It's a pretty long drive so I figure I'll talk with this guy. I ask him what credentials you have to have to be an Uber driver.

Him: Background checks and all that...

Me: Probably for the best eh? Wouldn't want any nutballs driving people around.

Him (almost as if he didn't even hear what I said): Yeah, I'm a registered sex offender though. Don't worry though, it's only for little girls.

Me: Uhhhh uh huh.

Him: You know who I really like though? Phillip Seymour Hoffman. He was a true legend. (Proceeds to talk about PSH for 15 minutes straight)

Me: Uhhhh uh huh

Him (As we get close to my house): Oh, I know that hill, I like to park there and watch the girls walk home from school.

Me: Uhhhh uh huh....

Me (as we pass my house): Yeah, just a few more blocks that way...

Reported him to Uber, they said they would look into it, never heard about it again'

This guy, who was lost for words

Not while driving Uber, though I've done some of that in addition to taxi. Small town, own a taxi company, make money off of Uber as a monopoly--Collusion is still alive and well!

Anyway, the story...

I was driving a couple of drunk friends and the one guy was lamenting being in his dorm with this girl he thinks really wants him but he doesn't know how to approach it. He says her smile and everything drives him crazy. He really wants to have sex with her, but he doesn't know how to really go about it because it could go all wrong.

He's looks for confirmation in the green light by sharing his story. His best friend says, "It's not that simple, you see. It's his cousin. He wants to fuck his cousin and it's going to be bad."

He explains that yes in fact it's his cousin. But, they grew up differently. She's really hot, and he really wants her. And, it's not actually as bad as it sounds because she's a married in cousin--actually only like a half-cousin (I never even worried about trying to mind-bend how that would be possible or not).

I conclude that he's probably going to have some bad days ahead of him at family reunions if he pushes forward. But just for the Hell of it encourage him to make the move. Maybe he gets laid?!? By his cousin...

This guy, who buggered up when he took Uber pool

Not my story, but I had an uber driver tell me this one, so I hope it counts by proxy:

Uber driver George is doing Uberpool one night in Austin where you pick up multiple people en route to the destination. First Girl #1 gets in the car alone and sits in the back seat on the passenger side. Then a couple (guy and girl) comes, and there's not enough room for everyone in the back, so girl #2 sits behind the driver and guy sits up front. The two girls in the back start chatting and seem to be getting along well. Girl #1 asks what they're doing tonight, and Girl #2 says, oh, me and my boyfriend Josh are going out to celebrate. Josh works at XX and just got a promotion. At this point, George notices Josh is crouching down in his seat and looking guilty. Then, Girl #1 says, that's funny, my boyfriend is also named Josh and works at XX. I wonder if they know each other. Then Girl #2 starts tapping her boyfriend on the shoulder and bugging him to turn around to meet Girl #1. At some point Josh can't avoid the introduction any more, and is forced to turn around. He does so with a look of utter horror on his face, as it slowly dawns on both girls that they're dating the same Josh. Anyway, both girls start screaming and kick Josh out of the Uber. Not sure what happened after that, but you can bet Josh never took Uberpool again.

And this guy, who got to witness something special

'A lesbian woman and a gay man, who were best friends, literally confessed their love for one another. It was something they kept from one another for years, and it was beautiful'

Like this? You might also be interested in:

Confessions Of A Fashion Week Uber Driver

Is Anyone Actually Using Uber Pool In London?

Have You Met My Friend, The Horrible, Horrible Drunk?

Follow Jess on Twitter @Jess_Commons

This article originally appeared on The Debrief.

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