Sometimes it seems like your whole year has been building up to your annual Christmas Eve night out (or, if you’re like me, your Christmas Eve EVE night out) at home. Each year, thousands upon thousands of us leave the safety of our parents house, meet up with the friends we grew up with and hit up the clubs and bars of our youth in a festive attempt to get royally battered. Christmas wouldn’t be the same without it.
Here's how to make it through alive.
Ordering ‘the usual’ is a terrible idea
17 year old you could walk into Envy or Liquid or Fez (or whatever your local club was called), order a luridly coloured alcho-pop and three shots of paint stripper, then drink and repeat on a regular basis and still wake up at 6AM the next morning with a spring in her step and a smile on her face. Now your body's not quite the young, lithe thing it once was, this is no longer the case. Adjust your drinks orders accordingly unless you fancy spending Christmas Day retching at the mere mention of red wine before sheepishly admitting defeat and heading to bed halfway through a crucial moment in the Downton Abbey Christmas Special.
Don’t get mad at your home friends who now have different priorities
Hey, you, yes you, you made the choice to swan off the big city and have a fancy career in media/law/medicine but that absolutely doesn’t mean that your mates who stayed at home, got married and had kids did it wrong. Therefore how about not getting in a huff when they say they don’t want to spend their baby’s first Christmas Eve apart from him to go and get drunk with you. Priorities mate.
Steer clear of your old boyfriend
Really truly really. There was a reason you broke up and, just because you’re both older now definitely doesn’t mean that you’re now both wiser, especially after seventeen mulled wines. Plus, can you think of anything more horrifying that waking up in his childhood bed with his mum cooking you breakfast downstairs on Christmas Day? Thought not.
Stop being a dick about that girl you hated
If there’s one thing we’ve learned getting older it’s that kids are dicks. They’re basically mini unfeeling non-murdering versions of Patrick Bateman disguised by their angelic smiles and carefully pressed school uniforms. Chances are then that since Year 8, Sarah Robertson has changed and doesn’t think you’re a total slag who would nosh off all three male members of S Club 7 given half the chance anymore so maybe don’t freeze her out of the conversation when you bump into her in Wetherspoons? Just a suggestion.
Skip the kebab at the end of the night
What are you even thinking you absolute fool? Don’t waste your money on such things. If you just thought about this for one minute you’d remember that tomorrow is the biggest food day of the entire year and, as a result, your house is packed full of the bestest food your local supermarket had on offer. Go home to that, just don’t go too wild, the family might not take kindly to going without roast potatoes for their Christmas dinner since you decided they’d be better suited to making Mashed Potato World at 3AM.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.