I’ve been to the Edinburgh Festival five times and once slept in a bath, so I’m probably well placed to give you top tips on how to have a great time up in The (near) Highlands without spending £300k on one show and a baked potato. (First tip: don’t call Edinburgh ‘The Highlands’ because it’s very far away and Scottish people will think you’re a moron.)
Where to stay
If you haven’t sorted out your accommodation already then it’s going to be tough. Firstly, you could try Air BnB-ing it for flats that aren’t in the city centre. Leith is a good bet, as it’s just a 20-minute walk away and pretty close to the station. Some parts aren’t the prettiest so Google Map it beforehand to avoid accidentally staying in a crack den.
Secondly, put out a call on social media and you’ll no doubt find at least one person who’ll be up for the month with a sofa you can crash on.
Thirdly, go up minus any accommodation and attempt to sleep with a performer. It won’t be hard – just hang around in the venue bars [{href='https://tickets.edfringe.com/venues/pleasance-courtyard' target='_blank' rel='noopener noreferrer'} is a good place to start), say you loved their show, buy them overpriced cider all evening, mention you want to go to a house party (everyone is always having house parties) and it’ll still be way cheaper than booking a hotel for the night. The festival is basically one massive shagfest, so you might as well take advantage of it.
What to eat
Weirdly, the stalls around the Udderbelly’s Pasture by the huge upturned purple cow that has lights emanating from its arse aren’t that pricey. You can get a decent burger for a fiver, mind-meltingly good nachos for six quid and the cafeteria inside the Pleasance Dome (that big building next to the huge upturned purple cow that has light emanating from its arse) sells reasonably priced hot food throughout the day.
The famous Mosque Kitchen isn’t as cheap as it once was (and has spawned many rip-offs) but visit the original on Nicholson Square for no-frills, delicious, self-service curry. Or if it’s more homegrown nosh you’re after, then opt for Mums. Weird name, serves every type of mash potato under the sun with tongue-meltingly good sausages, and meals start at just £7.
Palymra is the place to purchase late night kebabs, mainly because it’s open all the time and the falafel is just astounding. But then maybe it’s the fact I’m always hammered when I eat them, who knows?
What to watch
Don’t buy into the hype that the best shows are those costing upwards of £15. Yes, you’ll often have to pay to see big names (Simon Amstell, Cardinal Burns, etc), but the free fringe shows are often where it’s at. For example, Edinburgh Comedy Award winner Doctor Brown started in the back of a pub. The brilliantly funny Cariad Lloyd (starring in The Vodka Diaries we keep banging on about) is doing a freebie this year, too.
In fact, it’s also worth checking out free venues for names you’ve never heard of, because there’s just as much of a chance that a paid show will be shit as a free one (good venues: Cabaret Voltaire, The Voodoo Rooms, The Blind Poet plus loads more). Oh, and hang out in the Udderbelly Pasture and Pleasance Courtyard in the day – if a show isn’t selling well, the company often goes round handing out free tickets.
Avoid The Royal Mile unless you want to end up suicidal with a bag full of student versions of Titus Andronicus at C Venues (you don’t want to go and see these shows, even if they lure you in by saying it’s ‘like, a modernised version with drugs and set in a nightclub’. Especially don’t go and see those shows).
Where to drink
The problem with Scotland is that the local shops stop serving alcohol after 10pm, so if you’ve not pre-planned, then you’re pretty much forced into the pubs. And the pubs, unfortunately, ramp up the prices to London standard during the festival (so Londoners will feel right at home, and northerners will feel outraged).
Beer is, as ever, the cheapest option but don’t even think about spirits. I once got charged £10 for a gin and tonic and nearly fainted. In saying that, The Voodoo Rooms in New Town doubles as a brilliant free fringe venue AND a pretty cheap place to drink.
Oh, and if you can blag your way into the venue’s private bars then everything becomes significantly cheaper – Brooke’s Bar in the Pleasance Dome requires someone performing at the Pleasance to sign you in, as does Abattoir which is literally inside the huge upturned purple cow’s arse. Either flirt, befriend or bone a performer to get access to these places.
Avoid Loft Bar above the Gilded Balloon, though, because it’s often full of pricks.
Where to party
The bars are mostly open mega-late, as some of the shows get drunken, lairy and into the small hours (see: Spank at the Underbelly, Late n Live, etc). This means the Fringe is more of a stumbling around drunk experience, rather than a month-long rave. Have you ever seen a comedian dance? It’s not usually great.
Either way, there are still some good nights out to be had: Hot Dub Time Machine can be a lot of fun, playing music through the decades leaving you with a drunken, anticlimactic and slightly underwhelmed aftertaste. The Bongo Club is great if you like your nights lairy and rough, Cabaret Voltaire is all edgy and artsy in a cave-like environment, and the Pleasance hold a cheap Halfway Party – sure, it's for Pleasance performers only, but try and smuggle yourself in. It’s always a laugh.
Follow Stevie on Twitter @5tevieM
Also, she’s too shy to say, but Stevie’s performing in Edinburgh with her sketch group Massive Dad. Get tickets here.
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.