More women than ever are initiating divorces. But how do you know - for sure - when it's time for a marriage to end? That however hard it might be, it's time to call it quits. These women pinpoint their moment of revelation...
'My role in the marriage became very traditional'
Jenny*, 49
Leaving my husband after almost five years’ of marriage was one of the best decisions I ever made – but it wasn’t easy. We’d met in a nightclub when I was 26 and, at first, he was attentive and charming. Two years later we married, but things quickly changed when my career took off. He became controlling, selfish and unpleasant. My role became very traditional, which wasn’t something I’d envisaged.
My sister and dad were diagnosed with cancer within a couple of years of each other and my husband began to resent the fact that I had less time for him. One time, I rang him to explain that I was taking a week off work so that I could care for my dad. He was annoyed that I’d be using some of my annual leave and said, ‘What am I meant to do, have a holiday on my own?’
That was the sentence that killed my marriage. In that moment, rage went through me. It proved to me that everything was about him – it always had been. I knew we were done.
I was 32 when we divorced, but I had to come to terms with the idea that even if I was alone for the rest of my life, it was better than being married to him. I had a record going around my head that said, ‘I’m going to blink, I’m going to be 60, and I’ll wonder why I didn’t leave.’
Over the next few years, I worked hard on my healing. I joined an adventure group who took me power kiting and skiing. I made new friends who supported me when I felt lonely. All this allowed me to meet someone else when I was 36. We’re now married, and our relationship is what I’ve always wanted. He’s my biggest cheerleader and the kindest man you could ever meet. If I could tell younger me one thing, it’s that you’re responsible for your own happiness. You should never feel ashamed for putting yourself first.
'I realised we had totally different outlooks on life'
Michelle*, 48
I have a long history of panic disorder and anxiety. In my twenties I had low self-worth and felt being in a relationship would fix who I was – but I wasn’t with the right person.
We had a child together and there were some good times. But there was a 16-year age gap and we had totally different outlooks on life. We separated a few times, but got back together. Then, in my forties, I lost my mum, Covid hit, I had a bad accident and was made redundant.
I was on the verge of breaking down. All this led to an epiphany: ‘I’m 45. I can’t keep living like this.’ I was galvanised. I started a business and trained as a personal trainer and health coach. I had this realisation that I was in control of my life.
The final push to leave came from a row, literally over some spilt milk. I remember saying, ‘This is the last time you’ll ever speak to me like this.’ I’d finally realised that I was good enough as I was, with or without a husband.
That decision totally changed my life. I’m now in a much happier relationship and I’m
a more fulfilled, content person who knows I don’t have to rely on anyone else for validation. I’m happy in my skin. I want to change the narrative that it’s too late to start again in midlife. It can be the beginning of something great.
‘I wanted to teach my kids you can take back control'
Catherine*, 44
I spent 10 years convincing myself that my unhappy marriage would change, before I had the wake-up call that the shift had to come from me.
My ex-husband and I met at university. We got married when I was 24, had two daughters and relocated to Kent. Looking back on it, it’s like the marriage was in two halves. The first half was full of fun – we were on the same page and were both very ambitious. But the second half felt like we were in different places entirely. We didn’t enjoy the same things any more. In my heart, I knew it was over for a long time, but I didn’t want to regret that I hadn’t tried everything I could.
The turning point came on Mother’s Day 2023, when we bickered in one of my favourite restaurants. We should have been happy, but it was clear neither of us were. I drove home thinking, ‘This is ridiculous –
what am I doing?’ Days later, we sat down to talk and he confirmed that he’d checked out of the relationship. At that moment, I knew there was nothing more I could do.
I needed to walk away taller. We made the decision together there and then. He moved out after a month and everything was a whirlwind from there.
There was always a fear around how ending my marriage would impact my children, but our house is an easy-going place and my daughters and I are happy. I wanted to teach them that if something’s not working, you don’t just have to let it happen to you – you can take control.
For a long time, I saw my marriage ending as a failure, but now I don’t. It’s brave to be able to recognise something’s not working and change it. I’ve made peace with what happened, as it opened the doors to where I am now – a happier, calmer future.
‘I felt like a fraud, putting on a happy face for everyone'
Becky*, 48
I've known my ex-husband since I was 13, but we didn’t start dating properly until I was 25. At first, things were really good. He was charming, and it felt like he’d have done anything for me. When I was 29 we got married, and everything changed. It was like he became a different person overnight.
I got pregnant a year later. For months after the baby was born, he barely spoke to me; when he did, he was verbally abusive. Still, we went on to have a second child and I later found out that he’d had an affair with one of my friends while I was pregnant. I threw him out, but took him back three months later. I took my marriage vows seriously and wasn’t ready to give up yet.
The breaking point came one New Year’s Eve. I was throwing a dinner party for a group of his friends and
I couldn’t stop sobbing as I cooked.
I felt like a fraud, putting on a happy face for everybody. He came into the kitchen and said, ‘You’re going to leave me, aren’t you?’ I nodded.
We booked a meal so we could talk to see if we could salvage anything. But on the day, he told me he’d invited some friends along. I was exasperated. I left him a few days later.
You feel so vulnerable leaving an abusive relationship. I left with nothing. The divorce took 12 years because he kept contesting it. I racked up huge solicitors’ bills and had to go bankrupt.
Slowly, I built myself back up. One of the best moments was when I sold my wedding dress and got the deposit to rent a house. I didn’t have any furniture, but sitting on the floor with my children, I was the happiest I’ve ever been.
It took me a while to learn how to be with someone and accept help from them. I’ve been in a relationship for 18 months and now I feel comfortable with setting boundaries and valuing myself. Despite the trauma I went through, I’m a much better person for the experience.
*names have been changed to protect identities.