Life Lessons Learned From Secret Garden Party

What’s that? You’re not camping with loads of strong men? Fool! No festival is complete without a strapping lad to hammer those tent pegs into rock solid summer ground.

There’s a few campsites to choose from but North is best. It’s close to the car park and the festival entrance and, unlike East, not choc-a-bloc with screaming 18-year-old school leavers celebrating their first taste of freedom with a cocktail of narcotics.

If you’re up at 7 am, you might avoid the shower queue. If you’re going to bed at 7am, however, your best bet is to chuck a bikini on and head to the nearest tap once you’re eventually up. You’ll get a few scowls but hey, girl's gotta wash.

Smuggling drinks in is easy. Decant, hide, and try not to look too guilty when you go through security.

Don’t be stingy with days off work – you’ll need at least two to recover. An extra bonus is a day at your parents' house afterwards for some scrummy food and some looking-after.

The grub is amazing. Annie Mae’s is a festival fave and their Spicy Juan mac ‘n’ cheese is the perfect stomach liner for a night out.

You know when you were naive and thought the only way to cure a hangover was with a double cheeseburger? Well, we’ve seen the light. The real answer is a pulled pork burger from the Smokeshack. Salty, sweet, tender, spicy… nail, head.

Feeling fragile? There’s only one answer. A Fat Box of Healthy Stuff. Get those vitamins inside you, re-charge, and get back to the party, you big wimp.

For posh nosh, definitely stop by the Crabbie Shack and pick up the tempura crab bun with wasabi mayo, pickled cucumber, chilli and coriander.

Blue, black, short, long, faded, distressed, torn. No matter the style, don’t wear dungarees. Unless you want to find yourself in the same outfit as 99% of the other girls there.

Wait until two in the afternoon when you’re boiling hot and covered in someone else’s sweat, then take a plunge in the beaut lake. Bikini optional.

Yes, you heard right. Clothes are, it seems, not compulsory and you’ll see more girls topless than you can shake a glittery nipple tassel at. And if you can’t beat ‘em…

On the subject of nudity, don’t be surprised if you see grown men knitting at the ‘Village Hall’ in nothing but their birthday suits.

If you spot 10 people walking into the same portaloo, don’t call the police, follow them. You’ll end up in the most amazing sunflower field after a walk through a short (and smelly) corridor.

Don’t be a dick and pick the sunflowers.

Watch out for the paint fight. It’s mental. And full of those screaming 18-year-olds we were talking about.

Don’t let your friends kiss Spencer from MIC. At least three girls claimed to have got with the serial snogger – and all on the same night. Eeww.

Actually the better advice would be to steer clear of the MIC crowd full stop. Unless you want to get stuck next to a group of twats chanting ‘Bodo Schloss, Bodo Schloss’ over and over while you’re trying to watch one of your favourite DJs.

Go to The Pagoda EVERY afternoon (it’s worth the queue, promise) and The Labrynth every evening for the best music - and the best crowds.

For late night, you’ll find Maya Jane Coles and the likes at the Drop. Or head to the famous Artful Badger – just be careful you don’t get lost. It’s a rabbit warren.

Check out the Secret Emporium for new clothes, face painting, jewellery and a spot of old man beard plaiting… (one of our fave sites of the weekend.)

If you can afford it, splash out on the spa – just watch out for the crazy lady flashing her bum and yelling at everyone in the hot tubs.

Do not, for any reason, miss the fireworks – they’re the highlight of the weekend. This year’s included an Elton John lookalike floating on the lake with a piano, acrobatic fire dancers, and hundreds of free tickets for next year dropping from the sky. Pure magic.