The Edinburgh Fringe is already underway, and it’s the largest arts festival in the world. The only place where you can see a pile of shit for £20 in a theatre followed by a stroke of genius in the back of a pub, followed by a man setting his own head on fire in the street surrounded by students wearing hoodies that say ‘TITUS ANDRONICUS ON ACID’.
I’ve been to the festival pretty much every year since 2008 in various guises, so I’m well placed to provide an insider’s guide as to how you can get the true Fringe experience. Not the tourist experience. The TRUE experience.
Sleep with a performer
No seriously, if you sleep with a performer, you might just get a free night’s stay in a swanky pad – or a free night’s stay in a living room full of drunk boys who forgot to take their clown make-up off, it’s a gamble – and everyone is so up for it here, you’ll be spoilt for choice. Plus, waking up covered in flyers next to a clown boy is pretty much the most Fringe thing you can do. Try and ascertain where people are staying before you zone in on them, though. Marchmont or ‘across the meadows’ means high ceilings and sharing with a number of people. ‘New Town’ means fucking massive and posh. ‘Really central’ means it’s a shithole, so probably avoid these people (I’m staying central and essentially living inside three other people).
Go to a venue bar
No, not the bars open to the public. The other bars. Did you know, for example, that in the Pleasance Dome (a huge hub of different theatres on Bristo Square) there’s a so-called members bar upstairs that never has a drinks queue, whatever the time, and a smoking balcony? It’s called Brooks and literally nobody checks passes anymore, so you can just stride on up there (go up the spiral staircase, you’ll see the sign) like you’re a god. Loft bar, in Gilded Balloon, is hella-swanky and full of industry people/cocaine, so they have a stricter door policy – but if you flirt with the door people or arrive in a big group, you can run in. Abattoir is by the big purple upside-down cow, and anyone with an Abattoir pass can sign you in. Abattoir is the best members’ bar, because it’s pretty and full of total bellends. You can have incredible bellendish conversations in there, and everyone wants to ‘catch-up about the thing tomorrow laaahnchtime’. All these places are open till 5am and all the famous people go to them.
Have good food
Don’t eat shit baked potatoes from venue canteens, or disappointing burgers from gross stalls that look like they’ve been airlifted in from Alton Towers. Go to Mums, the legendary sausage and mash house, for the best sausage and mash of your life. Go to Olly Bongos for the best nachos this side of the universe. Go to City Cafe for the most incompetent, rude, dickhead waiting staff you’ve ever encountered, but a full English that will make you nigh-on aroused. Go to Pizza Express if you have a voucher – hey, I’m no food snob.
Go to the Royal Mile once
Then avoid it like the plague. Why? Because it’s a little known fact that walking down the Mile, where all the shows gather to flyer innocent tourists and street entertainers blow glitter out their arses (this may not happen, I haven’t been there for a while), saps your energy by 50% leaving you feeling like you’ve just been shot out of a cannon. You’ll be accosted by roughly 30 tired, hungry, sad people dressed as cats who want you to see their show about The X Factor. Why are they dressed as cats? Why not? Why aren’t you dressed as a cat? One thing’s for sure: you’ll enter the Mile full of wonder at the hustle and bustle, and you’ll leave it a husk of a person with a bag full of flyers with a depressingly low gsm. Yes, it’s a Fringe staple, but no, you don’t have to go there more than once.
Go see some Free Fringe
The free shows are just as risky as the paid ones – I’ve paid £20 for some absolute bullshit and seen the best stuff underneath Mexican restaurants. Have a look at Fest’s free fringe coverage (festmag.co.uk), check out the reviews beforehand, or have the proper fringe experience and just turn up with no idea what to expect. Worst case scenario, you’re sat in a dark room for 40 minutes or so feeling sad. Could be worse! You could have paid! The best free fringe venues also double as really cool bars – so you’ve got the Counting House, which is above the Pear Tree pub (great for a pint), Cabaret Voltaire which becomes a great place to get rowdy in after hours and The Three Sisters (which turns into The Free Sisters during the festival… very clever) which has a nice outside area, if a lot of Scottish people. In fact there’s lots of Scottish people everywhere, so if this is a problem, then reconsider coming to Edinburgh.
See these shows
There are very few shows I’d recommend to literally anybody because they’re always staggeringly good – but Austentatious, an improvised Jane Austen show in the huge upturned cow every day at 1.15pm is one of those shows. As is James Acaster, on at Pleasance Courtyard at 8:30PM, Nish Kumar on at Pleasance Courtyard at 7:15PM and Aisling Bea at The Gilded Balloon at 9:30PM. Joe Lycett is one of the funniest people I’ve ever seen, and Adam Riches is staggeringly good in his show* Coach Coach* at 9.45pm in the Queen Dome. My show is called Massive Dad 2.0, but I can’t plug it too hard because I’m biased (please come). In terms of finding other shows, definitely download the Edinburgh Fringe app – it’s available for Android and iPhone and is basically a lifesaver, telling you what’s on nearest to you and allowing you to buy tickets really quickly. Warning: it will fuck with your data allowance big time.
Tweet about the shows you’ve seen
Then you’re more likely to a) shag a performer; and b) you’ll be brightening someone’s day. And, as someone performing at the Fringe, I can attest to the fact that our days really, really need brightening sometimes. By you. Hold me.
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Follow Stevie on Twitter @5tevieM
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.