Flying is a load of bollocks, isn’t it? Chances are you’ll be stuck in the middle of two people you don’t know, one of whom will probably turn you into their personal pillow mid-flight while the other talks the hind legs off a donkey about topics you quite frankly couldn’t give less of a crap about.
By the time you finally get off the plane you’ll probably look like a cross between the Joker and Cousin It and you’ll be sweatier than a sinner in a church. And what’s even worse is then doing the walk of shame past the cabin crew, who somehow still look as though they’re ready to walk a catwalk.
Well, we decided it was high time we learnt the tricks of the trade and figured who would be better to ask than an air hostess herself? Here’s everything you need to know in order to have an excellent flight this summer.
How do I keep my hair and make-up looking fresh during the flight?
If you want to keep your skin feeling fresh then it’s time to swap the wine for water (sorry Jesus) as ‘hydration is key’, according to the Emirates cabin crew. They also recommend using Kiehl’s Inflight Refreshing Facial Mist as this ‘detoxifies and purifies the skin’ which may become irritated from the in-flight cabin conditions.
‘To stop your hair from looking static, rub a drop of water on your hands and smooth this over your hair. You can also use a pea-sized amount of hand cream or lip gloss to smooth down fly-away hairs and get frizz under control,’ advises the Emirates crew. It’s also worth packing a travel-sized bottle of dry shampoo to keep away the grease and add volume.
How do I get on the cabin crew’s good side?
Want to get on your flight attendant’s sweet side? Bring a bag of sweets! ‘A small bag of chocolates for the crew may really set the tone for your most pleasant flight yet,’ hints Allison, who has been an international flight attendant for two years.
Monika Prater has been flying for almost nine years and also recommends ‘telling a member of the team if you think they’re doing a great job’ and ‘being helpful and engaging’ are also great ways to get on your crew's good side and being in with a chance of bagging a favour – like that move to the empty aisle. Just avoid asking for a favour when they’re in the middle of boarding or serving a meal.
What’s the best seat to nab and where do I not want to be stuck?
This one comes down to personal preference really. ‘Typically, it’s much cooler by the doors, much louder near the galleries and much easier to get up from an aisle seat,’ reveals Allison.
Monika recommends ‘sitting towards the front of the plane or nabbing a seat by the wing’ if turbulence makes you queasy as ‘being closer to the centre of gravity will stop the bumps from being so bad.’
Oh, and the seat right by the loo is the worst of the bunch – no surprises there then.
Is it possible to get a decent night’s sleep on a plane?
‘Unless you have a business class seat that folds down, it’s hard to get comfortable,’ confesses Monika. All is not lost though! If you’re travelling off peak then ‘it’s worth asking your flight attendants if there are any open rows on the plane as you may score yourself an empty row.’
Monika also recommends packing ‘an eye mask to shut out the light and ear plugs or noise cancelling headphones for overnight flights. Taking a small sleep aid, such as melatonin, may help you shut your mind off too.’
As for those bloody bags we all seem to wake up with after a post-flight nap, try to ‘alternate your seat position between upright and reclined at different points throughout your flight to avoid fluid pooling under your eyes and making them puffy,’ recommends the Emirates cabin crew. ‘Holding a wet napkin or ice cub under your eye’ also helps to reduce the swelling.
What should I do if I’m stuck next to the likes of Kate Moss?
Be it raging drunks or crying babies, we all have people we’d rather not sit next to when it comes to long-haul flying. So, what’s the best way to deal with your nightmare neighbour? ‘Quietly come up to me and bring the issue to my attention and I will do everything I can to alleviate your suffering,’ recommends Allison.
What’s the best item to buy duty free?
Both Joanna Collins and Claire Mcgroy are members of the Emirates cabin crew and picked Elizabeth Arden’s Eight Hour Cream Skin Protectant.
‘This soothes and protects your skin and is great for rehydrating chapped lips and adding shine to eyelids and cheeks,’ explains Joanna. It’s also great for ‘skin damaged by the sun or windburn – which makes it perfect for travelling,’ adds Claire.
Well, there we have it! You now know how to sit back and relax as you jet off for a week of sun, sea and sex on the beach (the cocktail – you filthy lot).
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Follow Frederica on Twitter @FreddiePalmer92
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.