When i tell people that I see my friends once a year, I’m often met with blank stares and confusion. But since setting up the skincare brand Rodial in 1999 and having my two sons, now aged 15 and 13, I’ve had to make choices that I wouldn’t necessarily have made before. I believe that, in life, there are three main areas of focus – work, family and a social life – and at any single point you can have two at most: either work and a social life, work and family, or family and a social life. I’ve had all of those things in the past, depending on where I was in my life, but right now I can only prioritise work and family. Friendship just isn’t something I can devote time to.
Things weren’t always this way. I used to be incredibly sociable before I had children – I’d regularly host dinner parties and arrange weekends with friends. I loved being surrounded by people at all times. But after my sons were born, my business took off and I just couldn’t do it. There was a time where I’d return from work at 7pm having not seen my children all day, then rush out to meet friends for dinner at 9pm, coming home completely exhausted. I was so tired and grumpy at work the following day, and I realised I couldn’t keep it up. I was unhappy and anxious, trying to tick all the boxes – be a good wife, mother, boss, friend. It was impossible.
Of course, not everybody has reacted brilliantly or understood my decision. I had friends who invited me to dinners and events regularly, but when I couldn’t reciprocate – I didn’t have the time to organise anything – they took it personally. It’s not like I’m totally friendless; I have friends who really know me, and even if we see each other just once a year for lunch or coffee, we connect and enjoy that time together. But they understand that I have time commitments – many of them do, too. There’s also the fact that my job means I’m fairly sociable with my colleagues and associates. We’ll go on trips or hold events together, which, in a way, ticks off that need to be social.
I get a huge number of letters and emails from women who are trying to set up their own businesses or climb the career ladder, asking me how to juggle work and life. My answer? Set your own boundaries. Learning how to say no and prioritise what’s important is crucial. Now, I look at invitations or requests for time commitments and I ask, ‘Will this improve my family life? Will it help me achieve my business and personal goals, or bring me joy?’ If not, I decline. Most women are people-pleasers and we don’t like upsetting people or saying no. Instead, we’re the ones who suffer: we’re busy at work and have to see our families, but we still end up agreeing to meet girlfriends, committing time we just don’t have. Something always suffers as a result.
One thing I’m very firm on is honesty when setting those boundaries. In the past, I’ve replied to messages asking to meet up with crazy excuses (‘Sorry, I’ve got a last-minute work thing’ or ‘The babysitter is ill, I can’t get out today’) but actually, being honest is much more helpful. We need to be less apologetic about what we need. Don’t lie, don’t make a drama out of it, just state your boundaries: ‘Actually, I’ve been working really hard and I want to be home to feed my children this week’ or ‘I want a Saturday to read my book and catch up on admin.’ Personally, I find exercise incredibly beneficial and I don’t feel guilty about prioritising that. For me, it’s more important than going for a drink. Good friends should understand why you can’t join them and that you have a valid excuse.
Since I’ve realised I can’t do it all, life has actually got much easier. Now, I wake up at around 5.30am, and between 6am and 8am is my ‘me’ time. I’ll go to the gym, read motivational books and put my thoughts together, focusing on the day ahead. I look forward to that time so much – and I’m positive it’s been hugely beneficial to my business too. The flipside is that it means I have to be in bed by 10pm, and if I’m getting home from work at 7pm, there are just three hours left for my family – seeing friends as well would be impossible.
Of course, I’m aware things might not always be this way; this dynamic could change when my kids get older and become more independent. Maybe I’ll have the time to become more sociable again and reconnect with friends – who knows? For now, I’m happy with my lot. And if you find yourself struggling to do it all, I’d suggest you consider the same.
Do you believe your social life suffers as a working mum? Let us know at feedback@graziamagazine.co.uk