Q: As a woman director I am finding it hard to not be judged as ‘The Bitch’ compared to men peers whose ideas and management authority are taken without question. What can I do in my workplace to shift that common label that career women still seem to be given?
KJ: Interestingly you use the term The Bitch. I doubt very much if in reality anyone has used that term to your face, and if they have your company faces a severe cultural and HR issue. I think that there is a metaphor of senior women being bitches as a shortcut within society. As in you can only be powerful if you’re a bitch. Where a woman is seen as a bitch, men are seen as decisive for the same actions and behaviours. So I’d advise against adopting the term even as self descriptor in your head because its disparaging and self limiting.
SU: On the other hand, who cares. If you’re seen as effective why worry how you think you’re perceived. It might be that your colleagues see you as competition, if there is a pyramid of hierarchy and there’s only a few jobs at the top, then they might actually be in real competition with you, and are hoping that if they give you that nickname it will damage your prospects. One way of dealing with this rivalry is to embrace the descriptor, and own it. As in yeah, I’m the bitch that gets things done, what are you doing?
KJ: Depending on the culture and make up of where you work, they may be struggling to find a way to define you or sort out your place in their desired hierarchy. If you feel that your ideas are accepted as readily as your men peers, perhaps it’s because they’re in a cosy culture of self-affirmation. Birds of feather flock together. You might be an eagle amongst a flock of pigeons. Don’t self-limit. There’s a number of ways to address this aren’t there Sue?
SU: First of all, don’t worry about being liked too much all the time. Your colleagues are not your family, they are not your best friends. Even if you spend lots of time with them. It is important to get on of course with them, but not at the expense of getting on with your career. Now, if you want to get your ideas sold in one way is to make sure that you have meetings outside of the meetings. I mean here that you might find that you need to do some 121 meetings to pre-sell your ideas. I once realised, after what I thought was a transformational idea didn’t get agreed in a meeting, that everyone else just heard as a challenge to their current ways of working. In all honesty it was exactly that, after all that is the nature of transformation. But I needed to sell it in advance. I needed to reassure the other people in the team that I wasn’t dismissing their great work, but was suggesting trying something that might make that work better. When I put the time in for the pre-sell the idea passed unanimously.
KJ: The other thing you can do is find a sponsor higher up in the organisation. Bring them onside and use their power to enable you to be heard. Telling someone that you know that they will appreciate innovative and constructive suggestions will make them feel as if they are leading the way.
SU: Someone who we talked to for our book The Glass Wall, success strategies for women at work and businesses that mean business, described a situation where their boss actually once called her a bitch to her face, in public, much to her shock. It was after she had asked a question about profit more than once, and he didn’t want to answer it. It felt like a slap in the face. However, everyone else present (and they were all men) was pretty shocked too, and when the next opportunity came up for promotion, they were very supportive of her. She actually asked my advice for a future situation. I can’t say that at any point I considered advising her to tone down her questions to be honest. Her great value in the end to the organisation was her power to ask and demand answers from the boss, and question the current status quo. She’s now running a large organisation and still asking difficult questions.
KJ: I suggest that to re-inforce your sense of self you look for networks outside your own work or even start one. One of the great supports and joys of my working life has been my friendship with Sue who has completely different experiences and a very different personality to me but brings perspective and intelligence that gives me clarity and energy. We are unlikely couple but that’s what’s so good.
SU: That’s entirely reciprocated, and I would say if you haven’t found your Kathryn, she will be out there somewhere, or she might even already be on your list of contacts. Reach out and make sure that you spend time with people who don’t work in the same organisation as that be also limiting. You’re not married to them. I’m not suggesting that you haven’t got a career there, I hope you have a very successful time but you do need to get outside perspective
Sue and Kathryn’s book The Glass Wall, Success Strategies For Women At Work And Businesses That Mean Business is available from Amazon.
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