Behind closed doors, we’re all pretty gross and immoral. So what happens when you live with loads of people? Well, you continue being gross and immoral and hope to fuck they don’t find out. From nicking toilet roll to loud shagging with the door open, here’s some vile housemate behaviour ranked from ten to one. (And, before you ask, no it's not all gathered from direct personal experience.)
10. Sleeping naked with the door open
Fine if it’s something you’re into, but sort of awkward/annoying when the housemate in question is making a habit of it and nobody else is, y’know, into it. This happened once when it was really warm and I’d come in after one too many Sauv Blancs and couldn’t see well enough to pair a lightweight tee shirt with pyjama shorts. I woke up the next day to the sound of my housemate showering, the door wide open, me on top of the duvet and the knowledge that he’d walked right passed my door and got a FROW seat to the spectacle of my arse. We never discussed it. We still haven’t, actually.
9. Eating their cheese
We’ve all lived with someone who eats your food - once we had to stage an intervention when a girl we lived with started stealing stuff from the poor French exchange student we lived with who couldn’t speak English and only ate rusks. I’ve also once stolen my housemate’s flapjacks, and occasionally when he’s away he’ll come back to find his Tesco houmous is now Sainsbury’s houmous. But, at the same time, he’s incapable of finishing a meal so we have an arrangement where, if he puts leftovers on the kitchen side, I’m allowed to eat them. They call me the Hoover (they don’t, but they should). Replacement is key.
8. Using their toiletries
Argh I once had a boyfriend who did this to my housemate and it drove everyone mental. When someone keeps a toiletry bag in the bathroom, that doesn’t make it an instant free-for-all, and being able to see something doesn’t mean you can automatically clean/shave/pluck/smear yourself with it. Just imagine the carnage in Boots. Housemates should feel free to store their products in the bathroom without finding them half empty, broken or jammed with beard hair. It’s not very fair.
7. Using their mug as an ashtray
Non smokers love it when you ash in their morning coffee mug. They also really like it if you ash in the remnants of their morning coffee and leave the cigarette butt floating in there, like a little cancerous buoy. Or a life raft for an ant. It’s one thing if you’re having a party (then every receptacle left unmanned becomes ripe for the ashing) but it’s pretty easy to, in your day to day life, not drop ash in something that isn’t an ashtray. Even if it requires you to move three metres to get one.
6. Playing guitar at 1am
A friend of mine had to kick his housemate (and - probably former - friend) out of his flat for a number of reasons, one of them being the guy would play guitar in the middle of the night and sing loudly despite the fact there were two people sleeping in the house who he knew needed to be up and at ‘em for 9am. Not only is playing the guitar alone in the middle of the night astoundingly cringeworthy (I never enquired as to the song choices, but I’m imagining Jeff Buckley) but it’s also totally uncalled for. You wouldn’t play the trombone in a library, so don’t play guitar at 1am - unless you’re on holiday in a detached dwelling and everyone in said dwelling is completely on board.
5. Stealing their nice clothes and ruining them
The world is divided into two groups. Those who will wear anyone’s clothes without shame, provided they don’t get caught, and those who don’t. Is there anything worse than lending your cool dress to someone and getting it back two sizes too small and covered in biro? Yes. Not lending your cool dress to someone and getting it back two sizes too small and covered in biro. Ask. Don’t just take.
4. Having sex with the door open
One time. This happened one time. And it was totally accidental. After a pretty loud session with my boyfriend, he went to the loo and I heard him whistling - which was odd, because he can’t whistle. Then I realised my housemate had come back to the flat and we’d been so into it that we hadn’t heard, and that he’d heard some pretty X-rated stuff. I text him saying ‘OH MY GOD’ and he text back saying ‘HAHAHAHA’ and was fine about it. Again, if this is something that happens regularly (having sex with the door open, not just having sex) then be prepared for some pretty pissed off cohabiters.
3. Wanking loudly
This isn’t something I’ve come across, but I’d imagine it’s pretty bad. And easily avoidable (just wank quietly, guys).
2. Using their toothbrush to do a tactical chunder
This actually happened to a friend AND THEY DIDN’T REPLACE THE TOOTHBRUSH. In fact, the offender told me about it as part of a 4am Truth or Dare session so I made her go to a 24/7 Food and Wine shop and buy a new toothbrush under the pretence that the victim wouldn’t notice if it suddenly became a different brand. She did, and the offender explained that she’d had to use it to get hair out of the sink. The victim went mad. Thank god the offender hadn’t told the truth, in retrospect. Still, it’s fucking repulsive.
1. Being a creepy pervert
Someone I work with had mates who all lived in a mixed gender house, and everything was pretty much fine on the surface until, right at the end of the tenancy, someone went into a guy’s room to get something. They found a load of the girls’ knickers. With stains on them. I think we can all agree that there’s nothing worse than living with someone who you think might murder you while you sleep. Or, at the very least, watch you while you sleep with a weird fixed smile on their face.
Follow Stevie on Twitter @5stevieM
Picture: Molly Cranna
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.