Finding Love After Abuse

When I was younger, I was unashamedly into Valentine's Day. It's grossly commercialised and there are tons of negative aspects to it, but ultimately, I'm a soppy romantic at heart, who yearns for a cute card and bouquet of roses from someone I love.

But for a long time, Valentine's Day was not a day I could look forward to. On 14th February 2011, my life took a turn for the worse; it signified a downward spiral that would nearly break me. I had just moved in with my boyfriend at the time, Sam*, and was full of hope for our future. But from the very first day he moved in, I started to see a side to him that I hadn't seen before, and what should have been a loved-up, happy time for us quickly descended into a nightmare.

At first it was the cruel words and manipulation. Soon after that, it was throwing objects around and tipping over furniture. It wasn't long before he started hitting and kicking me. Eventually, it led to rape.

For nearly five years, I led a double life, keeping the abuse a secret from my friends and family. I spent the next four Valentine's Days in a very different reality to the cute cards and bouquets I imagined. We had good days; we even had weeks at a time where it would feel like an ideal relationship. That's the cruelest thing about being in an abusive relationship - he was not a monster all the time, and when he wasn't, he was easy to love. But then something would happen to tip him over the edge, and I'd be nursing cuts and bruises again, and we'd be right back to where we always ended up.

After four years, I'd had enough. At this point, I was scared that he'd actually kill me, and I didn't want to be a statistic - one more woman killed by the man who was supposed to love her. I knew I deserved better, so I started to make my exit plan. I was terrified of Sam's reaction, nervous about facing the world alone, but I did it. I got out; I escaped. I'd like to say I've never looked back, but it's an experience that will stay with me for life.

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After a year or so, I met Gary. We matched on Tinder and quickly went on a date. I know it is normal to experience some kind of insecurity when getting to know a potential partner. But for me, there's always an added layer of insecurity. Finding love after a failed relationship can feel scary for anyone; finding love after experiencing abuse in a relationship is terrifying.

Through Gary, I have learned what a healthy relationship looks like, and what it feels like to be treated with complete respect and care. What it feels like to love and be loved in a way that is gentle and kind. And I can't express this enough; it feels really, really good. He loves me for who I am. He never hurts me, physically, sexually or mentally. He never manipulates me, or causes me emotional pain. Perhaps one of the most important things, for a survivor, is that he is patient with me when I need him to be.

There have been many times since Sam that I struggled with the question of if I would ever be able to trust someone again. I've spent hours questioning what love really means, or if I can choose or find a good partner. Sam always made me feel like it was because I was 'difficult' that I was subject to his abuse, and that I caused it in some way because of who I am. But since then, I've learned that his behavior was never my fault; it was all him.

Being able to speak honestly about Sam with my current partner has also been good for my healing, as well as knowing my boundaries so well now. Speaking out has taken a massive weight off my shoulders, and created a level of honesty and intimacy that I think is key to a successful relationship. This is not to say that anyone should rely solely on a partner as a cure for trauma. My healing has been made possible through a mixture of therapy, medication, reading, writing, talking, and love. And it's still an ongoing process; it may never end. To this day, I still suffer the consequences and triggers that so many survivors deal with.

It seems obvious to say this now, but I wish I could go back and tell myself that a truly loving partner would do what I always wanted someone to: just love me. They wouldn't make me feel bad, put me down, isolate me, hurt me, and then tell me it was all my fault. That wasn't love.

There are some positives to my experience. I'm now a campaigner on feminist issues and violence against women and girls, a decision that was fuelled by my experience. I have learned important lessons in self-respect and boundaries within relationships. I have somehow moved forward in life, with more wisdom and experience than I had before. I've learnt that you can experience the kind of love I always wanted, and at last - Valentine's Day is a day I look forward to.

**Sophie Yates Lu is a survivor ambassador of Women's Aid. Visit their website for further information and support. **

*Names have been changed

This article originally appeared on The Debrief.