If you want to hang out with loads of middle-aged white guys in suits, might I recommend any press event for UKIP? Say, a manifesto launch? Interesting fact: manifesto literally translates as ‘festival of man’ Don’t look it up. It’s definitely, definitely true. Definitely.
Between UKIP politicians and members of the press, there’s all the off-the-peg suits you could ever wish for (black, grey and navy colourways only) and hair that looks like it’s been created in greyscale. For all accusations of racism, UKIP brought up the diversity quotient significantly. If UKIP is a white manifesto, then the media is actually worse.
You probably want to know what the policies are. There's a proposed increase in police and troops, an extra £11billion for the NHS, cutting foreign aid, things that will broadly appeal to some people who sit outside the normal UKIP bandwidth.
Finding extreme lunacy in a UKIP manifesto isn’t so much shooting fish in a barrel as dynamiting them, so a few words on these policies. For example: The UK’s climate change targets have ‘no basis in science’ so will be scrapped. EU flags would be banned. Burqas would also be done away with because of apparent concerns that women who wear them don’t get enough vitamin D. (A Times journalist pointed out that the manifesto also carries a photograph of a beekeeper in full uniform. I am concerned about his vitamin D intake. Ban The Beekeeper.) Trade practices are proudly proclaimed as efficient and 'even Bono has admitted it.' In short, parts of it read like they were written by Jim Davidson. Perhaps they were.
At the launch this morning, UKIP leader Paul Nuttall called for 'radical ideas and a 'muscular' approach to integration. Standing in front of journalists and supporters in Westminster, he blasted the 'Westminster chatterati', gave Theresa May a severe slagging off, and said that not enough had been done to counter radical Islam. The new touchy-feely UKIP approach was going to make foreigners more like British people. The flaw seems to be that it also appears to include if you were born in Britain but happened to be born into the wrong religion (Muslim). If anyone knows what British people do or think or feel can you please tell me, because I keep asking people and they keep giving me wildly different answers, almost as if there’s no one idea of Britishness? Confusing!
After Nuttall and deputy chair Suzanne Evans had finished speaking there were questions from media, which were met with quite a lot of outraged yelling from UKIP supporters. 'Don’t answer, Paul!' was a common cry, which reminded me of Wimbledon in the late 90s when the audience would shout the grandmotherly phrase: 'Come on, Tim!' when Henman was flagging.
Just like when a party host insists on doing full hospital-style lighting to kill off any hint of a good vibe at a get-together, UKIPers were also keen to make sure everyone knew we were all supposed to be scrunched with anxiety by yelling 'pathetic' and 'get back in your hole' and 'ask us a sensible question' at pretty much every question. It’s almost enough to make you feel sorry for UKIP’s events team.
And just in case the bad temper hadn’t really hit home, we also got to watch an almighty row between Channel 4 News and two UKIP members who were saying they wanted to have a 'positive debate' and were sick of being 'shouted down'. I mean, they were themselves slightly shouting at Channel 4 News but perhaps it was a piece of performance art and deliberately ironic.
Outside of the scrum, one policy, in particular, captured our attention – that check-ups will be carried out on young girls to make sure they haven’t been subjected to FGM. When this was first announced a few months ago, it provoked a strong reaction from FGM campaigners who said that this would prove more upsetting for girls and that it was grossly invasive.
'Let it continue then, let it continue then. Is that what you’re saying?' Gerard Batten, UKIP spokesperson says. 'If people are taking people off to certain places, like the Indian Subcontinent or Africa where we know this kind of thing goes on, then it’s reasonable to check.'
Peter Harris, standing as an MP for from Dagenham and Rainham added that he was very concerned about the reports that 95 girls in Barking and Dagenham had been cut in one year.
'The authorities do not take this crime – and it is a crime – seriously and something needs to be done. There was not one single successful prosecution last year, which is repulsive,' he says. 'If this prevents one girl from having this heinous surgery done… The simple answer is if we don’t do something, things will stay the same. What [our policy] has done is put this on the agenda, and hopefully, the other parties will actually start to talk about this and come to a sensible policy.'
Is the UKIP policy not a sensible policy? 'I didn’t say that. I think it is a sensible policy and it will drive this procedure out of this society. Other countries in Europe are far more successful at dealing with this.'
This sums up UKIP quite perfectly. The party represents many people’s deepest concerns – that their children will be hurt, that they will be forced to change their way of life, they’re going to be accused of being racist when they don’t think they’ve done anything wrong.
The UKIP manifesto and its white-guy launch may have been a hotbed of insanity, but when the media holding it to account for being racist and sexist is predominantly white and male, it makes it much harder to counter some of the madder ideas. Integration is vital, it just isn't what UKIP thinks it is.
*This article was amended on 26.05.17 after it mistakenly suggested that UKIP's manifesto stipulated that 'teachers would be discouraged from giving out yellow stars to pupils'. This is not a UKIP policy. *
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.