In hilarious education news of the day a substitute teacher has been fired in New York for allegedly asking her fourth grade students for dating advice. Cassendre Fiering, who sounds a little bit like Cameron Diaz’s Bad Teacher character, supposedly got her students to act out dating scenarios between her and the guy she was seeing and then asked them to toiler paper his house. In short, she sounds awesome.
Here’s some of the other teachers you definitely had at school.
The awesome dude
Part teacher, part children’s TV presenter this absolute nerd of a guy is so into chemistry that you’re sort of starting to find it secretly enjoyable. Not that you’d admit that to anyone. The best day was that time he let you put extra nitroglycerine in the ‘controlled explosion’ experiment and you burnt a hole in one of the ceiling panels.
The pasta necklace wearer
Big on drapey clothes and headscarves this lady can often been found in the arts or languages department. Expressive, floaty and seemingly oblivious to anything happening in the real world, she’s quite happy to break into song and/or expressive dance at any given moment.
The ‘I used to be someone’ one
Once a backing singer for a UB40 tribute act, she’s now stuck teaching GCSE music to a bunch of half-arsed slackers who just took the subject for a doss. Luckily, she’s content to spend Wednesday’s double lessons regaling the class with tales of opening up for Simply Red at Blackpool Pleasure Beach and that one time she sat next to Noddy Holder in a bar. This arrangement tends to works out just fine for everyone.
The absolutely terrifying one
Less teacher more army marshal, this guy hates kids and he’s seen your type before. Even that Year 9 with a fully-grown beard who punched Mr Williams in the groin last year knows better than to fuck around while this guy’s about.
The easy to manipulate one
Newly qualified, this one’s got less chance of surviving an hour without crying than you had of getting a double-B in science. So far this year she’s been locked ‘accidentally’ in the cupboard, had chalk dust planted on her chair and been convinced that Sam Barnes in year 9 really does have a doctors’ note excusing him from class any time he fancies a fag.
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The matey one**
Big on going to gigs, pub quizzes and stuff he’s found on the internet, this guy teaches media studies, sports science or any other subject that puts him in a room with the younger versions of the guys that he used to want to be friends with at school. This time around, though, it’s different. Thanks to that double lesson they spent shooting the shit about the local football team’s chances at promotion, him and the guys have skated smoothly over that awkward teacher/pupil relationship and firmly into ‘mate’ territory.
The one who’s given up
He’s been teaching Of Mice And Men to 20 different years of students now, which is roughly how long he’s had his tweed jacket judging by the wear and tear on the leather elbow patches. Rather than have to hear the same ‘insightful’ student comments on the novel’s themes for a 21st time, he’s often content to let you watch the various film versions on the telly-on-wheels while he sits looking mournfully out of the window.
Follow Jess on Twitter @Jess_Commons
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.