When I was little I was convinced, convinced that the lyrics to Hot Chocolate's You Sexy Thing went 'I believe in Malcom. Will you sex my thing? Will you sex my thing?' This made for a rather awkward confrontation when my next door neighbour sang it to our parents at the tender age of four. Sorry neighbour boy. My bad.
Anyways, over on Reddit today there's a doozy of a thread unfolding about other stupid stuff people used to believe when they were little. Here's some of the best...
This person who really needed to learn where babies came from
'I thought, and I'm not making this up, that if I peed in the toilet at my grandmother's house that our pee mixing in the toilet would make a baby.'
This kid, who was not a mathematical genius
'I was convinced I would never be able to remember past the number 13 and I kept that a grave secret because of my embarrassment. One day I was watching my favorite show and at the end they count down from like 20, and I remembered up to 18. I remember crying tears of joy and telling my mom. Pretty sure they thought I was retarded.'
This biologically minded child
'I thought if I drank water and peed in perfect sync I would be able urinate non stop. The sheer number of attempts is embarrassing.'
This kid that was maybe kind of a genius?
'All your hair for your whole life is stored inside your head. Your hair grows because as you get older your brain grows as you learn more so it pushes the hair out. Old people are bald because their hair has run out.'
This zoo animal-phobic child
'Parents told me there was a draft in the basement. I thought there was a giraffe in the basement, wouldn't go down there for a while.'
This kid who thought J-Lo was a champion poo-holder
'I thought poop was kept in buttcheeks.'
This guy who had an unfortunate realisation
'One of the Playboys I had seen had a woman using a hair dryer on her bush. I thought that's what a blow job was.'
This kid who had an adorable imagination
'Up until I was 13 I thought the smoke stacks on top of factories were used for making clouds.'
This person that might still be having counselling
'I'll probably delete this later, but, I was convinced... CONVINCED... that my penis would roll up into a vagina when I reached a certain age when I was around 5 or 6. And lo and behold, my year older sister was there to confirm it for me. "Yeah, I used to have that, but then it turned into this when I turned 8." Why, thank you sister, I can't wait until my penis rolls into a vagina! To speed up the process, I'd tuck my penis between my legs and "practice" having a vagina.'
This 'friend' who didn't quite get sex
'My friend thought sex was actually push-ups. Like, you just do push-ups over someone who is lying still and boom you have yourself a baby.'
And this person who is probably our future wife
'I thought my clothes hangers had feelings and if they didn't have clothes they would be sad.'
Like this? Then you might also be interested in:
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Follow Jess on Twitter @Jess_Commons
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.