In no duh news of the week, a new survey has found that one in five workers can't afford to go to the pub in the week before payday. Probably didn't need to conduct a survey for that one did they? Probably could have just waited until next week, given us a call and found out that rather than hanging out in bars we were sat at home in front of Festivals Sex and Suspicious Parents furtively sneaking spoonfuls out of that chilli our flatmate left in the fridge.
Here's some other activities that, although seemingly ridiculous for 3 weeks of the month, make perfect sense in that miserable few days before payday. Because we can laugh about it now. Then, not so much.
Running to work
Paying for the train? Not whilst I'm on my new health kick my friend. It's nothing but a meagre 8.2 miles to work. A doddle, basically.
Suggesting dinner parties. Not at yours
Hey guys! Thanks for having me over! You cook the food and I bring the hummus right? Nice one.
The Great Calling In Of The Debts
Hey guys, me again. Remember that time we went for dinner last year and I paid and then you said you’d get cash out for me and forgot? Yeah, I’m gonna need that back. Thanks. Also, I’ve been silently hating you over this for the past 11 months.
Getting all booze-shamey
Not being able to afford alcohol for a week sure turns you into a self-righteous anti-boozehound. ‘Sorry you’re feeling wretched but do you know how great I feel waking up without a hangover?’ #sorrynotsorry
The eBay pipe dreams kick in again
Totting up the total you could probably make from putting everything you don’t wear on eBay comes in close to £500, but once you realise you’ve got to photograph everything and actually go to the post office after it suddenly becomes apparent why that stupid shop in 40 Year Old Virgin existed. Easier just to be poor till payday.
Going home
Ma? How’s about if I come home and visit this weekend, it’s been a while right? Can you buy my train ticket?
Getting real creative in the kitchen
Pasta and gravy? Definitely A Thing.
**Ignoring your flatmate's Facebook messages about bills
**Fun (and naughty) fact: Opening private messages while you're in airplane mode means you can read them without the sender being notified. We never told you that. OK?
Eyeing up that £20 you sensibly put in your otherwise empty savings account on the 1st of the month
It looks reaaaaal good right now. Hey there naughty little guy, fancy coming out with me tonight?
Follow Jess on Twitter @jess_commons
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.