Talk about WTF you’re doing for New Years
Trying to coerce your friends into planning New Years any time before today and you were the uptight loser who needs to have PLANS to keep her LIFE UNDER CONTROL, when really you were just the penniless dreamer who thought that this year might finally be the year you and your pals make it overseas to see in the New Year in some exotic European city or a rustic woodland cabin, all of would obviously be cheaper if you booked it well in advance. Hopefully all the mentions of Christmas today on social media will finally pique your useless friends’ interest in the holiday season enough for them to realise that all the RyanAir deals are fast running out.
Eat a Christmas sandwich
It’s a mistake you’ll make but once a year, because of course a nationwide supermarket chain isn’t able to mass produce a sandwich that mreplictaes the taste of your Mum’s Christmas dinner (which takes an average of 12 hours to make). But, like watching Love Actually or sharing a supermarket Christmas advert on Twitter, it’s a festive tradition that must now be upheld thanks to the terrible consumerist society we’ve become. In that vein, today is officially your day to walk into your local branch of whichever sandwich shop you choose, select your poison (sandwich or wrap?) and choke down tasteless morsels of turkey, slimy cranberry and refrigerated bread, topped off with a packet of honey roast ‘festive’ ham crisps.
Read a ‘round up of the year’
Even today, those lists are incomplete and therefore a lie. If you’re a ‘round up of the year’ purist, you know you shouldn’t actually techinically engage with articles about ‘everything that happened in 2014’ until 31 December,
because who the hell knows what’s going to happen tomorrow. Perhaps tomorrow will be the day it emerges that Kanye West sent a double to his own wedding because he was having a tantrum at home, or perhaps we’ll find out that Germany winning the World Cup was all a total lie on account of an errant offside? Either way, avoid until the last minute to make sure of total accuracy.
Listen to this
Arguably (or not) the best Christmas song of the year, East 17’s Stay Another Day is the emotional Christmas anthem you never asked for – and yet needed all along. Overplaying All I Want For Christmas Is You and Merry Xmas Everyone is exactly the reason you’re no longer able to feel all of the feelings the heartfelt lyrics of Mariah Carey and Noddy Holder were trying to induce in you. Luckily, Stay Another Day has dimished in it’s popularity over the past few years, meaning those haunting Christmas bells and cymbals still get you right THERE. Listen once every three days over the Christmas period from now so as not to wear it out. Watch with the music video for full effect.
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Picture: Lukasz Wierzbowski
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.