According to a leaked email from Stowe School, it’s come to light that pupils are bonking in the boarding houses at weekends. Sneaky. Here’s a few more things you probably got very good at if you spent any time at all at boarding school.
Scheduling
Largely due to the fact that in a school of 1,000 students, there’s a larger number of couples with the horn than there are places to bonk.
If you show up too early at the bathroom at the back of the hockey pitch (the boarding school equivalent of the bike sheds), you’ll be forced to wait awkwardly while the couple from the year below finish up before shuffling past you with an uncomfortable, ‘All yours mate’. If that’s not a vibe killer, we don’t know what is.
Thinking on your feet
The security at boarding school is a few Pornstaches away from that at Orange Is The New Black’s Litchfield Correctional Facility – 24/7 patrols by teachers hellbent on preventing you from doing anything rule-breaky. Living under this kind of scrutiny, even the most virtuous of inmates students were bound to fuck up eventually.
The smart perpetrators had an excuse ready for whatever complicated situation they found themselves in. Claiming you ‘dropped your contact lens in town’ when you’ve got one leg over the school gates at 1:30am certainly wasn’t gonna cut it. Enjoy your slow death in detention.
Being drunk in polite company
Whether you visited the pub or a big gang of you managed to sneak down to the local park with a bottle of red wine that a day pupil pinched from his parents, finding yourself battered on school property was surprisingly commonplace.
Through a series of detentions, you quickly realised that avoiding teachers at times like this was probably the best form of action. As was concentrating VERY HARD on walking in a straight line. If all that failed, sucking on a penny before you got a breathalyser test was a totally foolproof way to make sure you blew a 0.0*.
*This totally doesn’t work and never did so we have no idea why people kept doing it.
And smoking
Even though you probably don’t smoke now, smoking at school was pretty much the coolest thing you could ever do. Why? Because teenagers are idiots. Your (probably fake) habit was essentially fuelled by all the foreign students returning from half term with suitcases packed full of Marlboro Reds and Gauloise which they sold for knock-off prices.
Smoking into the bathroom extractor fan while spraying a constant stream of Impulse body spray was a good way to feed your habit without alerting the teachers, as was taking a looooong detour on the cross country run.
Any we missed?
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.