Things You Only Know If You’re Short Sighted

Shaving your legs minus your glasses is the bathtime equivalent of reading brailleIllustration by Hannah Warren

Things You Only Know If You’re Short Sighted

by Jen Crothers |
Published on

Great news everyone! Not only are we getting poorer and fatter, but our vision’s getting progressively worse, too. What a time to be alive!

According to a survey carried out by King's College in London last month, almost half of 25-29 year olds in Europe are short sighted. But while a load of people hide their short sightedness behind contact lenses, many of us wear our hearts on our sleeves and our glasses on our faces. I am one of that number, and my number is -4.5.

I’ve been in glasses ever since I was prescribed some sassy pink and purple ones, aged nine. Without glasses, I can only focus on things about 8cm in front of me, and everything else is a huge blob of colours and fuzzy shapes.

Here’s why a life in glasses is pretty hard:

You don’t ever shave your legs properly

Shaving your legs minus your glasses is the bathtime equivalent of reading braille. Annoyingly, the idea that your other senses overcompensate for the lack of one definitely doesn’t sit with short sightedness. You blindly feel your leg hair while (you think) you’re moving the razor from top to bottom in clean, accurate strokes.

‘I’ve cracked it!’ you think, but hours later you spot at least 74 stray hairs in an array of sad mis-shapen patches, mocking you.

You can’t see what you’re doing during sex

Sometimes this is a good thing. When you’re not feeling particularly hot or you aren’t wearing appropriate underwear, it’s OK! For some reason, being short sighted empowers you with the misguided belief that ‘If you can’t see them, they can’t see you.’ Which is obviously a lie.

However, the only time you can actually see clearly what’s going on is when your face is directly on a penis or in a vagina.

Haircuts are a surprise

Haircuts, unless in the unlikely event you’ve found a decent hairdresser who you trust with your life, are mildly unnerving at the best of times. That trepidation increases in huge increments with every degree you’re missing on the vision scale.

You take off your glasses and can only hope for the best.

Doing your make-up is hard

I’m pretty rubbish at make-up anyway, but relying on guesswork to decide where your foundation, blusher and lipstick should be on your face is an art. Squinting at yourself in the mirror, you think you look GREAT.

That’s before you put your glasses back on and realise you’re wearing a death mask of foundation and your blusher stretches back to your inner ear. It’s essentially reverse Facetuning.

Not being able to find your glasses is a valid excuse for lateness

Make sure your boss is aware of your vision or lack thereof because this is genuinely A Thing. Here is where girlfriend’s/boyfriend’s/live-in mum’s/anyone with a decent pair of eyes come in handy to help you in your hour of need.

If you live alone, you’ve probably already lost at least five days of your life rummaging in the bed for your specs.

Losing your glasses is the end of the world

Saying premature goodbyes to spectacles is annoying and expensive. I’ve done this twice, drunkenly on night buses when I’ve fallen asleep and my poor frames have slid off my face and onto the bus floor never to be seen again.

Having to feel your way home is not something I would wish on anyone, not even those smug fuckers who’ve got 20/20 vision (I do hate you a bit, though).

Like this? Then you might also be interested in:

The Complications Of Having Sex When You’ve Got Crap Eyesight

Things You Only Know If You Wear Contact Lenses Every Day

Here’s A Cautionary Tale To Remind You To Take Your Contact Lenses Out Every Night

Follow Jen on Twitter @jenofcroths

Illustration by Hannah Warren / jellylondon.com

This article originally appeared on The Debrief.

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