We all have money worries, but when you grow up poor, there are a lot of ingrained thoughts and behaviours that you struggle to shake off - both good and bad. For the first 20 years of my life I lived with a single mum on benefits; as a result, nothing ever came easy. Every meal, every change of clothes, every school trip was obsessively dissected in front of me for its cost versus worth. I thought the constant anxieties about money would go away once I had my own, but I’ve been paying my way since the age of 16 and have learned that some things, like the sick feeling in the pit of your stomach when you check a price tag, never quite leave you. There are good things, too, like financial lessons that most people don’t learn until later in life, but watching your parents panic over every single expense has a long-lasting effect on your mentality. That mightn’t ever go away, sorry, but you’re not alone. Here are just a few of the ways growing up poor affects you.
1. You always feel like money is going to run out
Somebody who never had to watch their parents decide between petrol and food might be able to get into a decent job, make an OK wage, and feel pretty comfortable. I might never. I know how poverty feels, but I also now know how earning just enough feels - and I never want to go back to the former. Plus, those who grow up with parents who are comfortable and have enough money to help them out in a crisis know in their heart of hearts that they will never actually end up homeless or without food. I don’t have the same assurance, so I know I have to always find money myself. Or die.
2. You are always thinking about money
I am an exceptionally obsessive person anyway, but after spending 20 years watching my mum fret and panic over every single penny and every tiny expenditure, I am fucked for life. Even when I’m not spending money I’m thinking about it. Where it’s coming from next, what I have to spend it on, if I can manage; and again, if it’ll run out. I essentially never stop thinking or talking about money, to the point where it ends up looking like I just love it. Which I do. But mostly I’m just absolutely terrified of living without it.
3. The thought of owing someone money is excruciating
I am very, very used to being a charity case. My friends’ parents bought me shoes, holidays, meals - everything. It was embarrassing, and as a result, I am very desperate to not ask for anything ever again. If I owe someone a couple of quid for the bus, my need to pay them back instantly is less a result of being a good person who doesn’t want to put them out, but more of me just never wanting to called a scrubber ever again.
4. You become very good with money
All what I've written so far is pretty negative, but ultimately, growing up poor has had a great effect on me and my finances. As a child I would hoard and save every single penny I got given, write down how much I had, multiply it over time, etc. I’ve had a savings account that I’ve kept track of since before I was 18, and as an adult I am one of my only friends with any money in one. I’ve had a job consistently for eight years and through budgeting and saving, I’ve managed to do a lot of fun stuff with my money. While I’d rather not have the panicked voice at the back of my head telling me I’m going to be poor again any day now, I’m grateful to have the financial skills I do.
5. You love free stuff
As a child, free stuff was what actually kept me alive a lot of the time. It’s certainly what got me to this point in my life. As an adult and a sort-of journalist, I get given free tote bags, lip balm, makeup, and other bits on a semi-regular basis. When said freebies are put in front of me, I take as much as I am given or can feasibly fit into a bag before I’m politely asked to leave. Even though I realistically do not need seven EOS lip balms, there’s still that little voice telling me, 'what if you run out of money?'
6. You will probably always feel guilty
Every single penny that I spend comes with the added fun of hearing my mum’s voice in my head saying, 'how much? For that?!.' I feel fucking horrible every time I so much as buy a drink in a bar when I know I could just sneak a flask in. A lunch at Pret is an absolute luxury, and one I indulge in rarely. Nice clothes never feel necessary. I could honestly be a lottery winner and I would still feel guilty living anything even semi-approaching a decadent lifestyle. For my entire life money has been a source of guilt and panic, but it’s also been the thing that we need just to live. It’s never been something to have any degree of fun with, and it’s hard getting past that.
7. You get very good at hustling
All that being said, as well as being very good at managing my money when I do get it, I’m not that bad at earning it. There have been times of my life when I’ve had four jobs during school while also selling loads of my shit on eBay. I have done a lot of bad and very miscellaneous jobs to make ends meet, and I’m pretty happy to do it. The drive and motivation to make money from a ton of different areas during difficult (or all) times is a skill, and not one easily acquired later in life. So for me, growing up with no idea where the next meal is coming from made me a lot more motivated than I might have been otherwise.
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Follow Marianne on Twitter @Marianne_Eloise
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.