Whether you're just about to leave for sunnier climes or you're fresh off the plane from far flung lands we sure hope you have/had a really* *great time. No honestly. But please just do us one favour and don't bring your travels back with you? Here's a few tiny things we ask you watch out for on your return.
Full disclosure: we’re definitely guilty of all of this and thank you kindly to our UK-stranded mates for not disowning us after we made them listen to Newton Faulkner in the car for 3 months after we got back from Thailand.
Surf jewellery doesn't work in first world countries
Hey, if we could go back in time and head back to 1998 when wooden jewellery was a thing, we’d be first in line. But despite our best efforts, a time machine doesn’t seem high on David Cameron’s list of priorities. Maybe if he spent less time at Chiltern Firehouse and more time focusing on how ace it would be to go back and visit Freddie Prinze Junior in his heyday we’d all be in a better place. Anyways. Despite 90’s fashion returning with a vengeance, wooden surf beads seem to be mercifully absent so far. Basically, we don’t need people like you with your Thai bracelets making the wider population think they’re ‘in’. So bin them. Now.
Neither do white person dreads
Ditto hair beads, fisherman trousers and woven Peruvian hoodies. Especially if the most zany thing you've previously ever been seen in was that time you wore a pair of DMs at Halloween. Also, we need to talk about the Alpaca knapsack. Things like zips were invented for a reason. You're easily the most pickpocket-friendly girl for miles around. Although anything that rids you of your phone and travelling pictures in time for #TBT is actually probably a blessing.
That tan won’t last for ever
It’s been three weeks and your skin is peeling harder than the church bells of Florence on Kimye’s wedding day. Yep we know you’re still a lovely golden brown colour but you’re also shedding a layer of skin with every step you take. Not a good look. Exfoliater is your friend, use it, before we suffocate under your dead skin particles.
Your next profession is not as a yoga teacher
You might have had a really nice experience with that dude who taught you the downward dog in India but fuck me, apart from the time you walked 5k for the Colour Run, exercise hasn’t really ever been your ‘thing’. In fact, you pulled a muscle last time you ran for the train. Plus, there’s ten yoga places within a 3 minute walking distance of your current office. Supply and demand is not on your side.
You too used to be happy to talk about Made In Chelsea
We get you haven’t so much as turned a telly on for six weeks but it wasn’t all that long ago that you’d spend entire Sundays on the couch watching whatever crap wasn’t too painful for your hangover. The thing is, in terms of stuff to keep us occupied in England, we don’t have a beach here so activities like snorkeling, sunbathing and helping locals build huts isn’t exactly an option, but good luck trying. We’ll save a space on the sofa for when you get booted out of the park for trying to construct a canoe out of a recently felled tree-trunk.
Follow Jess on Twitter @jess_commons
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.