A as a single woman, Chloe* hoped that, after a difficult few years, her sex life would be back on track and thriving. ‘When I couldn’t date because of the pandemic, I told myself I’d make up for lost time when life got back to normal,’ says the 31-year-old.The reality looks somewhat different from her fantasies. ‘I’m using dating apps and I’ve had a couple of one-night stands recently, but that’s it. I feel differently now, like I’ve got less time for experiences that are meaningless – sex included.’
During the misery of the pandemic and its aftermath, most of us tried to focus on the promise of better times ahead. When the Covid risk faded and the world opened up, we were told the Roaring Twenties 2.0 would commence – a riotous bacchanalia in which we’d celebrate our hard-won freedom by doing whatever we wanted, whenever the hell we wanted to do it. In particular, we’d have loads of sex. Couples would rediscover their pandemic-dampened passion and singles would shag like never before.
Except, it hasn’t turned out that way, has it? Instead of the much-vaunted baby boom, the birth rate actually fell by 13% in 2021, so couples were probably making more lockdown banana bread than babies. Far from basking in a loved-up glow, couples are filing for divorce in droves: applications between April and June 2022 were the highest in a decade (aided by the new ‘no-fault’ legislation).
As for sex, it seems we’re suffering a collective post-Covid slump, branded the Great Sexodus by sexual wellness brand Lelo. Of 4,000 people surveyed in its 2022 sex census, almost half – 45% – said they’d had less sex than before or no sex at all in the past 18 months. One in 10 said they hadn’t even kissed another person during that time. The top reason, listed by 45% of participants, is ‘mental health, including anxiety’.
There’s no doubt the pandemic was the most traumatic global event of our generation, or that the constant state of hyper-vigilance we experienced has led to a widespread feeling of exhaustion. Add to that a cost of living crisis and political turmoil and it’s unsurprising we’re not frolicking through a never-ending summer of love.
‘Although many people rushed to socialise after the pandemic, there’s been a feeling of burnout,’ says Rhian Kivits, a Relate-trained sex and relationships expert. ‘We may have found it hard to sustain the kinds of social and dating lives we thought we wanted to create with our newfound freedom.’
It’s inevitable that this has had an impact on the sex we have, too, she says. ‘I’ve seen an upturn in the number of clients concerned that their sex lives have dwindled.’
For those who are having sex, it seems there’s been an attitude shift. Since 2020, we’ve been forced into a collective reassessment of our priorities, and this seems to be seeping into our lives between the sheets, too. For many, it’s a positive change that means trying to make every sexual experience count.
‘I’ve noticed that people seem to be more aware that it’s important to value the experiences we have in our lives,’ says Kivits. ‘They seem to have a strong desire to make their sex lives and relationships the best they can be. They’re less tolerant of problems and keener for solutions. I’ve wondered if people just feel like they have less time to waste.’
Many couples who’ve weathered the storm of the past three years are now working to bring back passion to their relationship, says Kivits. ‘The pandemic created a sense of claustrophobia for some couples, and they stopped making an effort for each other. These kinds of couples want to know how they can rekindle their sexual spark. This isn’t easy because they need to work on creating new habits and pull themselves out of that rut.’
Yasmin*, 37, identifies. ‘My husband and I used to have sex a couple of times a week, even though our lives were manic with a young daughter and work,’ she says. ‘In 2020 and 2021, it dwindled to maybe once a month; we were both stressed and tense and it was the last thing I wanted to do. ‘Recently, I’ve tried to make more effort because I knew he missed it. At first I found it really hard because we’d got out of the habit, so it felt unnatural to go from putting our five-year-old to bed to trying to be sexy.’ On a recent Saturday night when her daughter was staying with her parents, Yasmin decided to up her game. ‘I initiated it and surprised him by tying him to the bed and stripping while he watched,’ she says. ‘I was worried I’d feel silly, but seeing how happy he was helped me get into it and we ended up having the best sex we’d had in a long time. It reminded me that we do still fancy each other, but the spark had definitely died a bit.’ Still, she says, ‘I don’t think we’ll ever get back to twice a week.’
Jo*, 31, also says her sex life with her partner of three years is less frequent, but they make more effort to ensure the sex they do have is exciting. ‘We don’t do it at all during the week any more, but we take the time to really connect at the weekends,’ she says. ‘We do role play – he’s often the hotel masseuse, which is my favourite because I get a massage, too.’
Research by dating app Bumble suggests that singles are also thinking differently about sex. According to its research, 42% are now approaching sex, intimacy and dating in an open and exploratory way, in a trend it’s calling ‘ethical sexploration’, with more than half agreeing that it’s important to discuss sexual wants and needs early on. Its research also shows one in five app users have explored their sexuality more in the past year, and one in eight are considering a non-monogamous relationship.
Bumble’s sex and relationships expert Dr Caroline West says, ‘For a long time we’ve lived in a society that prioritises heterosexual monogamous relationships, and I think we’re realising now that there are other ways to live and love. People aren’t afraid to take advantage of their re-found freedoms and reconsider their sexuality and intentions with relationships.’
Lelo’s research suggests more people are now testing the boundaries of their sexuality, with 18% of women having had a same-sex experience in the past year, and 9% open to trying it.
Anita*, 33, had her first same-sex encounter following the pandemic. ‘I had a real “hot girl summer” – tons of great sex with different people I met on apps and at parties, including women, which I’d never tried before,’ she says. ‘This past year, I’ve felt a craving to be in a relationship, so I’ve tried to date more seriously. Commitment- phobia seems even worse now than before Covid – everyone has less patience than ever and isn’t willing to see where things might go. But I’m seeing someone now and having the best sex of my life.’
She describes their sex as ‘grown-up’, saying, ‘We’re really into trying to please each other, which I haven’t experienced that much. A lot of the casual sex I’ve had has been with guys who’ve been very influenced by porn – a couple put their hands around my neck, which I hated, and there’s been a lot of wanting crazy positions. The guy I’m with is much more considerate.
‘I think it’s down to our age, and the fact we’re both hoping to find something serious, but it also feels like the pandemic has split single people into two categories: either they’ve realised they want to take dating more seriously or they want to sleep with as many people as possible.’
Ethical non-monogamy (ENM) – consensually non-exclusive relationships – is a fast-rising trend. Feeld, the app for singles and couples who want to explore their sexuality through anything from polyamory to group sex or BDSM (bondage, discipline/ domination, sadism/submission, masochism), saw its usership soar by 250% in 2022. The number of users who expressed desires related to ENM relationships increased by 242% between 2020-2021.
Laura*, 33, says, ‘I’m currently having sex with three guys. They know about each other – they’re all sleeping with other people too. I don’t want a relationship because I’m busy with work and my friends, but I still want to have sex, so it suits me.’
Dating site Plenty of Fish has coined the term ‘hesi-dating’, defined as feeling ‘unsure if you want to date seriously or casually because life in general is so uncertain right now’. A survey by the site found that 58% of users are unsure if they’re seeking a fling or full-blown commitment.
In 2022, the term ‘situationship’ hit an all-time high in Google search traffic, while on TikTok videos tagged with the word were viewed more than 850 million times. Coined to describe an informal relationship that involves sex and an emotional connection, but falls short of an exclusive, committed relationship, its popularity has skyrocketed with Millennials and Gen Z.
Claire*, 30, is among them. ‘Dating apps are worse than ever since the pandemic – the levels of ghosting are off the charts,’ she says. ‘I still want to have sex, so I’ve got a friends-with-benefits situation with a guy I used to work with. We like each other a lot and the sex is amazing because we know each other so well, but neither of us wants to commit. I’d love to fall in love, but I can’t see how it’s going to happen.’
Kate Moyle, Lelo’s sex expert, says dating apps have changed the way we interact with one another. ‘Behaviour has suffered,’ she says. ‘Being ghosted – essentially being rejected before being given a chance – has an impact on our self-esteem. It can make it harder to put ourselves out there sexually.’
For those looking for love, the post- pandemic sexual landscape feels like a minefield. Maya*, 29, says, ‘Finding a sexual partner has never been so easy, but finding someone open to a committed relationship feels near impossible. The number of people I’ve had sex with post-Covid has increased dramatically, but none has wanted to move the relationship beyond just sex.’
What’s clear is that, following the seismic events of the past few years, we’re still experiencing the aftershocks – and our sex lives can’t help but reflect that.