Oh good lord, this week Prince Harry was involved in one of the most awkward kisses I've ever seen pictured, while over in Sydney greeting adoring fans. It reminded me about first kisses, and how they're always arse-clenchingly awkward. We all remember our first kiss, right? Our first proper kiss, that is. Not, like, your mum. I was in a club dressed as a fairy, drinking shots from a bottle I’d got an 18-year-old girl to buy for me. A topless guy came over with girls’ mobile numbers written all over him. He said to my friend, ‘Your mate's fit, will she get off with me?’ and I said, ‘Yeah I’ll get off with him,’ so I kissed him before beelining straight to the loos to contemplate how awful kissing was. It felt like his tongue was having a seizure in my mouth and desperately needed the help of my molars in order to survive.
It actually put me off kissing until four years later when I snogged someone I fancied for the first time in Bromley by a Slug and Lettuce. A-ha! Goosebumps! So this is what’s supposed to happen.
Tragically, you’ve got to get past the first few shockers in order to reach the good stuff and, if you don’t identify with at least two of the following examples, then you’re either lying, incredibly lucky, or an inanimate object.
The Impaler
Boys have seen that you’re supposed to use your tongue when kissing a girl, so they go at it like they’re attempting to suck your throat out through your mouth. My friend at secondary school once had a boy activate her gag reflex while kissing (no, she didn’t throw up, but dry-heaving is hardly much better), and I wish I could say this didn't nearly happen to me when I was 22 years of age, but it totally did. If that poor 25 year-old guy didn’t know that impaling me to a wall with his own tongue isn’t sexy, 15 year olds don’t stand a chance.
The Limpet
Do you remember when you’d kiss someone and they’d just gently suck your mouth, with no intention of introducing any sort of movement? Their arms were by their sides, with no bodily contact other than that repetitive, calm and silent sucking motion. Sort of like a clothed barnacle. Soothing, yes. Sexy, no. I’ve never, contrary to popular belief, snogged a barnacle, but I did once have a pet limpet, and the way that limpet stuck to its rock was reminiscent of my mate Natalie who snogged Aaron in art class. Hypnotic and frankly a bit weird. (Yes I did stare at them. Kissing was fascinating to me back then, OK.)
The Octopus
Almost the polar opposite the The Limpet is The Octopus. All hands, these kisses involve the constant policing of the hem of your skirt and your bra in case they’re suddenly whipped off in the middle of the carpark. Most people snogged in carparks at my school. Anyway, the problem with this first kiss is that it takes all your efforts to keep harmless yet bloody annoying hands off you to really focus on what’s going on in the face department. The same can be said for him, which is why this kiss is most likely to be, facially, the most unsatisfying.
The MI5
AKA the one nobody found out about because either he was a bit of a minger, he was supposed to only be getting off with Kirsty exclusively, or you were a bit of a minger and he was embarrassed to be caught out. Like the time a boy called Ross told his friends I was fit, but then when I asked him out he said no, because it’d be embarrassing to go out with me. Like that. The untraceable snog is usually, and unfortunately, the best sort of snog, because there’s a hint of mystery. Like you’re a spy, or in a doomed romantic comedy where you can never ultimately be together. Also, people aren’t staring at you, so he probably won’t try and ram his tongue down your throat/grope your left boob to impress his mates.
The Slobbery-dan Milosevic
Named after the previous Serbian President (1989-1997) for no other reason than it contains the word ‘slob’, there’s nothing worse than someone dribbling saliva onto your chin when you’re not expecting it. There aren’t, admittedly, many situations in which this would be expected, but still, if they're kissing you right, you shouldn't have a wet face afterwards. Which brings us neatly to...
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The Lick
Mostly occurring in clubs and at around 11pm during a full-on pashing session just before your parents come and pick you up, this guy thinks it’s really sexy to sort of bite your lip. Then lick your lip. Now he’s licking your actual face and your cheek is covered in his spit and, urgh, he must have swallowed about two quid’s worth of that Rimmel foundation you’d been saving up for and now his tongue is the colour of your skin. Christ.
The Romantic Lip Flap
These guys usually grow up to be the best kissers, because they started low and (probably) built it up over the years. But, at their very first stages, they sort of drily flap their lips against yours like you’re both trying to out-goldfish each other. Except it’s way drier than a goldfish, and there’s about as much passion (unless goldfish turn you on, in which case pick a different analogy).
The Knee Trembler
Yeah, alright, so this never happened to me (see above for details), but I’ve heard tell of people’s first kisses blowing their socks off. Like when someone tells you they came twice during their first time, I’m usually suspicious, but if it’s an older guy (ie not 14) and you really fancy him, then a good kiss among all those hormones could knock you out like a ton of sexy bricks. I guess. My 15-year-old self is horribly jealous of you.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.