The Stay-At-Home Dad Conversation Has To Change

I was at a kids’ party a couple of weeks ago, chatting to a group of mums from school. They mentioned that after school they hang out at each other’s houses where they drink prosecco and take it in turns to make sure the kids don’t die. As a stay-at- home dad, of course I wanted in. ‘You should come,’ replied the host. ‘Great,’ I thought. Now, bear in mind I see these mums every single day at pick-up. Never. Mentioned. Again. I’ve been ghosted.

I decided to be a stay-at-home dad nine months ago. My wife returned to work after maternity leave and the spiralling cost of childcare for two kids meant it made sense for me to take a career break. Nearly all the reactions have been positive. But I have at times felt a slight undercurrent, a subtle prejudice bubbling under the surface. There’s a sense that men are still not supposed to look after kids. If they are, it’s because they are having to do it rather than choosing to.

In T_he Incredibles 2,_ a lot has been made of superhero dad Bob Parr taking on childcare duties while the mum becomes chief superhero – I’d argue because this is a narrative that makes for better publicity. And it’s worked. Last week it became the highest grossing animated lm of all time in the US. And the movie certainly raises important questions about gender inequality and the way we see family dynamics. But Bob’s portrayal as the bumbling, emasculated idiot at home doesn’t seem very realistic – and is a somewhat depressing narrative for someone who’s supposed to be a superhero.

Elsewhere in popular culture of late, there’s the stay-at-home dad who actually chooses the role: the insipid, sopping wet blanket of a beta male, like Motherland’s Kevin, always struggling under the weight of a bag of his kid’s paraphernalia. Neither seem like honest depictions of the 235,000* dads currently looking after their families, up from 199,000 five years ago, and a group that will hopefully grow as more couples take advantage of Shared Parental Leave. Assuming the stereotypes are dispelled, that is.

Now granted, the mums who like to get tipsy after school were probably just being polite – I have no doubt I’m now ‘that weird keen guy from school’ in their WhatsApp chat. And yes, The Incredibles 2 is a cartoon on the lookout for laughs – and there’s nothing funny about an efficiently run household. But the preconceptions that come with being a stay-at-home dad shouldn’t be taken lightly. I have a friend who took his daughter for her jabs and the doctor insisted on phoning his wife to check he was who he said he was. I’ve lost count of the ‘men can’t multitask’ comments when I’ve struggled with tricky childcare conundrums, and male friends have trouble seeing what I do now as ‘real work’.

Women have been dealing with the lazy, undermining clichés and way more harmful slights for decades, but for us it’s new territory. Gender stereotypes do no one any favours and confronting them for both sexes can only make us all more incredible parents in the end. So my answer to all naysayers is this: staying at home with the kids is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. If it looks like I’m struggling, I am. Everyone does. Fellow mums, cut the dads some slack. Fellow men, remember, you can’t judge a man unless you’ve walked a mile in his shoes (pushing a screaming baby). A little empathy goes a long way.

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