The very second you write it, your New Year’s resolutions become boring. A nag. The legislative equivalent of Joffrey Baratheon. Sadly, unlike Joffrey, your list for self-improvement won’t disappear in a puddle of puke and despair, instead, it’s going to hang over you for the rest of the year – a stark cerebral reminder that will slap you in the face every time you fail at life.
They lurk in a shadowy corner of Christmas until the first day of January, when they appear shouty and annoying; you’re hung-over and limp, staring at the withered Christmas tree ‘cos there’s nothing on TV, when suddenly you realise you’ve achieved fuck all in the last year and all your Facebook friends are engaged.
But this year is going to be different. I’m calling bullshit before the lists are even compiled, because who needs to be confronted with an unachievable dossier of personal flaws on the most depressing day of the year?
Resolution: Get fit (or die trying)
NY reality: This is probably a rollover resolution after last year’s failed attempt. Joining a gym turns into jogging after work, which turns into doing an exercise video at home, which turns into sitting on the sofa watching Darcey Bussell do Pilates, wondering how she got her body so lithe. Pilates, probably.
**Resolution: Juicing **
NY reality: What in the actual fuck is juicing? I’ve definitely joined in office bantz about how amazing juicing is, and how we all need to start it next week as it’s the fast lane to losing weight, but I’ve still got no idea. Instead, just drink Capri-Suns. Lots of Capri-Suns.
**Resolution: Cutting out carbs **
NY reality: Most likely this one will be thwarted on January 1st when you stumble across a 24 hr Maccers on the way home. Also, carbs in all their guises are just crazy tasty. Sandwiches mostly, but why would you limit yourself to a carb-free existence commencing in the darkest month of the year? Just remember the carbinal rule: Nobody needs a loaf a day.
Resolution: Sorting out your wardrobe (i.e. chucking the crap)
NY reality: Turns out you need everything in there, and you’ll be damned if anyone tells you different. Last year, I chucked out a dodgy peasant crop from 2003 and now look what’s back - the bloody boho trend.
Resolution: Always having polished nails
NY reality: I’ve just seen an Instagram quote saying: “See a girl with chipped nails, wonder if she loves herself?” From this moment on, I vow only to wear chipped nail polish.
Resolution: Wearing heels more
NY reality: Blisters. You’ll wear a pair of ‘grown-up’ courts once, and end up with a grotesque skin balloon not even Compeed can cure. Don’t worry, most likely it will have healed in time for NYE 2015, so have another go then.
Resolution: Giving your hair a break
NY reality: Even though you’ve convinced yourself your hair is thinning, and religiously sit in the bath dredging up all the loose strands as the water drains, a quick scroll through Instagram makes you want to dye your hair again. Sorry, strands. You’ve already got chipped nails, you can’t have boring hair too.
What have we learnt? Failure is probable. According to a 2007 study by Richard Wiseman from the University of Bristol, 88% of people failed at their resolutions, despite the fact that 52 % of the participants were confident of success at the beginning. Don’t be that misguided 52%. Don’t let yourself down this year. Be the smug percent that can laugh at your friends when they break their resolutions instead.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.