There is a girl that I follow on my second Instagram that I am obsessed with. I check my Finsta [Fake Instagram - a secondary, more private account] once in a while and it’s mainly to look at her. I’ve been obsessed with her for years. She’s naturally beautiful, way cooler than me and has all these quirky little hobbies that she does unironically. I’ve never met her and I don’t think I ever will. And that’s because she is one of my ex-boyfriends’ ex-girlfriends.
I’ve had a few of these girls that I’ve become obsessed with over the years. I should be embarrassed to admit it, but the truth is, with direct digital access to the past lives of our current boyfriends, it’s hard not to do a little … investigative journalism. Teen pop princess Olivia Rodrigo puts it best in her new hit song Obsessed. 'If I told you how much I think about her, you'd think I was in love,' she sings - and boy do I relate. What does it say about me that I can easily recount this woman's coffee order? Her favourite place to vacation? And even recite some of her best Instagram captions? 'And if you knew how much I looked at her pictures// you would think we're best friends,' Olivia sings on. Preach, girl.
So why do we do it? Initially I think it’s fair to chalk the whole thing up to curiosity. With public social media profiles, here we have this portal to our significant others’ past: it is human nature to wonder who was sleeping with the person beside you, before you. But when should you cut yourself off? Ok, so you’ve had a nice stalk of good ole Jessica, let's call her. She’s pretty, seems nice, blah blah blah. That should be it. But often, it’s not. Actually, a one time picking-of-the-scab-cheeky-stalk can turn into a routine exercise in keeping tabs on someone. All of a sudden you’re monitoring this unknowing target with the intensity of a final exam at school.
One could argue this behavior is nothing new, it’s just that now we are armed with better tools. When in doubt, go to the only pre digital source that matters: Sex and the City, duh. In the early stages of dating Mr. Big, Carrie learns he has an ex wife. Uncontrollable curiosity winning out, Carrie finds an excuse to actually go and meet Big’s ex at her place of work because she’s so desperate to know what she’s like. Written out, this sounds insane, but how much more insane is it than me checking everyday to see if a girl I’ve never met has posted on her IG grid again?
I’ll be the first to admit a big part of this ritual is insecurity. As with much of social media, our natural instincts are exploited and given too much runway. It's up to sheer will power (and yes, maybe, self respect) for us to reign ourselves back in. And we must. All jokes aside, I try to keep my stalking to a minimum because it really doesn’t serve me at all. One of my favorite mantras is 'Comparison is the thief of joy' and I often mutter it to myself as I exit out of Instagram.
Acknowledging my own insecurity has been the most helpful thing when it comes to my stalking habit. Although I maintain that it’s completely normal to have a look once in a while, ultimately, when you’re in the right relationship, your boyfriend’s ex shouldn’t affect you. These girls that we stalk are just like us. In fact, who’s to say someone isn’t stalking us?
Here’s the weirdest part: you didn’t misread my opening paragraph. The girl I so lovingly stalk is the ex of my ex, so there’s not really anything for me to be insecure about anymore. Dare I say in some cases I’m more fond of these girls I’ve never met than my ex boyfriends. These girls become my own crushes, in a way. Mysterious creatures that I’m lucky enough to have something in common with.
Christina Najjar, popularly known as Tinx, is a digital creator, advice expert, podcast host and New York Times best-selling author. The internet's big sister, Tinx’s undeniable impact on social media earned her the distinction as one of Forbes’ Top Creators in 2022 and again in 2023.