The guy who invented the Facebook ‘like’ button (what a legacy) has said today that he didn’t invent a ‘dislike’ button because of the ‘negative social aspects’, and we applaud him. You might think that liking something on Facebook is fairly straightforward, but have you ever been stalking your ex boyfriend and accidentally liked an image of both of you from 2009? I haven’t (yes, I have), which got me thinking about the web of politics surrounding the humble like – let’s thank our lucky social media stars that the ‘dislike’ option was never made available. Can you imagine the repercussions? Let’s not.
Instead, here’s a comprehensive guide to all the likes you’ve definitely done on Facebook. As a side point, while it’s grammatically correct to write a Facebook like with apostrophes (‘like’) or capitalised (Like), doing so makes me feel like a Grandma, so I’m going to presume we’re all on board with the context.
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The Political Like
You’re finally Facebook friends with that friend-crush/actual crush and they’ve posted something really cool about a band nobody’s heard of, or an artist that hasn’t quite made the big time yet. You like it, but don’t comment because you actually have no idea what it’s about, but you aim to use this in order to further your Friendship 2.0. Make sure you then do some Google research, otherwise the moment you walk out your front door, they’ll be there and saying things like, ‘So cool you like Puppet Gunge! I’ve been wanting to talk about their EP for AGES.’
The Stalkery Like
As previously mentioned, this can occur while stalking your ex boyfriend and you accidentally like a photo from 2009. Equally embarrassing, though, is if you do it to a friend-crush. Or someone you barely know and have never spoken to, you’re just bored and want to know how fat they were at uni. Do you remove the like and thereby admit that you made a mistake? Do you do a Beyonce and style it out? Do you go and drink a bottle of wine? There’s no right answer.
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The Meta-Like
When you like that someone’s liked something. Usually shows you’ve gone too far and should take some time off Facebook.
The Strength In Numbers Like
Oh great, someone’s got married and you literally couldn’t give less of a shit about it, but 140 people have liked it and so you sort of have to go along with it otherwise you feel like a dick. That sort of like. It’s anonymous, but you know that they’re going to scroll down the list of likes and it’s just easier to go with the flow.
The Lone Like
Your mate posts a really funny link and you like it because hey, everyone's going to get involved soon. Reaaaaaal soon. Four days later you’re still the only one who's liked it. Five days later, it gets taken down. Or remains there, for everyone to see: out of 1,400 people, you’re the only person who liked that shit link.
The Inappropriate Like
‘RIP mum, I'm going to miss you’, ‘Having the worst day ever. Literally, the worst’, ‘Am stuck in a forest with diminishing battery and very little signal, could someone send help?’ – none of these should receive likes. Having worked for a popular celebrity gossip website with a massive Facebook reach, the stories that break the news of a celeb death get the most likes. Why, I do not know. Like things that make you think, ‘Ooh, I like that,’ not just to register the fact that you’ve read the status. Likes when someone is asking for something (‘Anyone know any good spots in Cornwall?’) are also irritating.
The Cruel Like
There’s a photo of me from 2007 when I was a stone heavier and looked like a 43 year-old woman working in catering. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but it’s quite different from my current appearance. Anyway, a couple of friends decided to like it so it came up on everyone’s News Feeds. Cue upwards of 30 likes. Genuinely the meanest thing you can do with the like button, and the worst idea Facebook has ever had. WHY RESURFACE THESE THINGS? WHY?
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.