The Stages Of Sexting Throughout Your Relationship

All beware the #aftersex selfie. Or - worse - when you start sending pics of pizzas


by Jess Commons |
Published on

Just as we were starting to think it was a bit lame, the word ‘sexting’ has made it in to the Chambers dictionary. (Not sure whether that actually means anything but we’ll roll with it.)

TBH, we’re a bit over sexting. Call it something to do with being in a long-term relationship but the appeal of sending filthy words through cyberspace to a phone that may or many not be manned by its rightful owner at the time of reception seems a little bit like playing with fire.

God we’re old.

Here’s how your relationship with sexting’s panned out over the course of your actual relationship.

Date One: ‘You looked really nice tonight’

Non-committal, boring and without any hint that you might at some point in your forthcoming union be up for having a sexual relationship. Nevertheless, you really wanted to get across the fact that you madly fancied him with your message and it’s not like you’re actually going to say it outright, is it?

You’ll probably add a little kiss on the end though, won’t you? You naughty little vixen.

Date Five: The booty call

‘Wanna come over?’ you casually intone as sexually as a blue speech bubble on an iPhone screen can possibly manage.

‘Ach, I’m in East London’ comes the reply, ‘And I’ve run out of Uber credit so probably can’t make it there toni….. OH, OK I’ve got you. I’ll jump on a night bus, be there in a sec.’

Perhaps it was something to do with the subtly placed aubergine emoji in your original message but he seemed to understand where you were going with it.

Month 3: The picture round

Almost certainly the worst idea we as a generation have had, naked selfie-ingis one of those legacies we’re going to be left with that future generations are going to look back at and be all like, ‘Really? In an age where you guys knew you had no privacy online you voluntarily sent pictures of your bits into cyberspace?’

And we’ll be all like, ‘Wellllll, it was fun at the time and everyone was doing it sooooooo.....’

Anyways, until we get shamed into stopping, the picture sexts are compulsory in the sexting game. Just get yourself a good filter, some underwear that doesn’t have holes in and perhaps a prop for good measure. May we suggest a banana?

Month 6: Filth upon filth

Jilly Cooper eat your heart out. You’re not even having to think about what to write any more, the conversation between you guys has got so blue it makes Fifty Shades of Grey look like Thomas The Tank Engine (which incidentally was the subject of one of the more avant garde exchanges a few months back).

You’re sexting at work under your desk, walking along the street, when you’re out at the pub... You’re so into it, it’s only really mildly embrassing when a massive picture of a dildo pops up on your screen while your friend’s checking the bus times.

Year 1: The wind down

If you’re perfectly honest, you sort of lost interest after you used up all the words for ‘penis’ that Urban Dictionary had to offer. Since then you’ve had the odd stab at sexting in a half-arse kind of way: ‘Wanna do the sex tonight?’ But when all you’re getting back is a non-committal ‘K’, it doesn’t really give you the same urge you used to have to run to the toilets, put your camera on flash and stick your phone down your knickers. Ah, the good old days.

Year 2: The end

The text ‘Hey, wanna see something really sexy?’ is now no longer followed by a picture of your heaving bosom popping out of that tacky Primark bra you picked up for a fiver the other day, nor is it followed by a filthy diatribe of describing words that paint your vagina in the most flattering of lights.

Instead, it’s most likely to be followed by a low-lighted image of the giant pizza you’re about to tuck into. And you know what? That’s fine.

Follow Jess on Twitter @jess_commons

Picture: Ada Hamza

This article originally appeared on The Debrief.

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