For many people, the prospect of spending Christmas alone is a daunting thought. I used to think the same, but then I started spending the festive day in complete solitude and realised it can actually be incredible - a much-needed reprieve from the daily noise of life: bills, work emails, constant WhatsApp notifications.
It started in 2020 for me, thanks to lockdown. As a disabled woman, the experience of shielding had a profound impact on me. I faced numerous challenges in all aspects of my life during that time. Going through such an experience, such prolonged isolation inevitably leads to personal transformation. It forces you to learn more about yourself.
So when I was still shielding during that first Covid Christmas where many decided to risk it all and go ahead with their family festivities, I expected it to be a supremely difficult day but quickly realised I didn’t miss the reality of a traditional family gathering at all.
As women, and especially disabled women, we’re expected to be all things to all people and exude a warm, palatable poise. The idea that I must be building up, up, up is ever present; we’re constantly expected to make the 'right' choices for our minds, bodies and careers — so previously, by this time of year, I’d feel wrung out, worn so thin. By Christmas day, I’m often bloated, with grey skin, have sequins embedded in my skin, and I’m overwhelmed by an endless to-do list, dreading a re-listen and re-listen to others’ political opinions, and weary of my own.
Instead, my first Christmas day alone was filled with leisure. I slept in late, ate a gorgeous breakfast and cooked a Christmas dinner of sorts as I listened to Beyoncé. It felt freeing because I didn’t have to experience that otherwise ever-present brittle tension so many women feel when we're forced to play the perfect daughter, wife and mother this Christmas - a supremely prepared yet still relaxed host, a generous Father Christmas that also doesn't spoil their kids too much, a fun conversationalist that doesn't get too caught up in Uncle Andrew's wild opinions.
I was reminded of such a tension in the days leading up to last Christmas, now my third spent alone, when I was in the supermarket as a little boy, full of energy and excitement, accidentally hurled himself into the side of my wheelchair. The woman with him apologised profusely, her eyes filled with exhaustion. I could see it in her as I did myself, this is that brittle tension.
Take the opportunity to do something you truly enjoy.
So, for those who may be spending Christmas alone and are worried about the pangs of loneliness, my advice is to embrace the solitude and make it a day of self-care, focus on what you want to do, take the opportunity to do something you truly enjoy, whether it’s taking a long walk in nature, indulging in your favourite hobbies, making your favourite meals, or binge-watching your favourite films.
As a disabled woman, it’s about permitting myself the freedom to wallow and not to worry about my health or those 'right' eating choices and that relief from the pressure of it all makes it one of my favourite days of the year. As shielding has ended for me, I might choose to see people now. But still, there is no expectation that I will be wearing my usual layer of make-up or carefully placed lipstick. There will be alcohol, there will be a well-used TV guide, and there will be a pile of pigs in blankets. There will also be a skincare regime to improve that wrecked complexion.
My decision to spend Christmas Day alone won’t necessarily last forever, but doing what makes you happy — and what removes that tension before you pierce the skin of your lip — is healthy and cathartic. Christmas Day may not be filled with the traditional celebrations that society deems necessary for happiness. But for me, and others like me, it’s a time of self-reflection, rest and finding solace in the quiet. It's a time for me to put back together the bits of myself that were taken apart by the pressure and stress of the previous year.