Someone’s Made An App To Stop You Wanking For Lent

You can replace your wanking with another sort of waste of time...

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by Sophie Wilkinson |

We do a lot of stuff on our phones. They help us to eat (recipe recommendations), sleep (those apps which wake you up just at the right moment) and communicate (everything we ever do on the phone, full stop). And increasingly, we’re deferring bodily functions to our computers. Fitness apps keep check on our health then berate us if we don’t walk enough, and some of us keep even track of our periods via our hand-held gadgets.

However, would we, the digital natives of the world, really welcome an app that teaches us to abstain from wanking?

The FapFapp, which is also called Holy Water and comes with a tagline ‘Jesus died for me so I’ll shake for him’ is only available in America, so we haven’t been able to play it. But here’s what we do know about it:

According to the Spanish design website Frances Moret, FapFapp is ‘an application for smartphones that it is about to make the act of “FAP FAP FAP” an onomatopoeia about male masturbation.

‘It’s generated a neutral graphic and visual code, always focusing on the elegance above the obvious.’

It’s a pretty design alright, all ice-cream parlour pink and black, and when ‘FAP’ is typed above ‘APP’ the As join to create a crude image of a penis.

But the point? Well, you’re meant to take the phone and ‘fap’ it, using your best wank movement. Once you’ve shaken it you get a score (which you can compare to other players' on an international leaderboard) and the phone congratulates you with comments like: ‘Your phone is pregnant!’

Another slogan for the app is: ‘I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own. Shake it.’ We think it’s meant to encourage people to not wank throughout lent, which started today. But on a deeper level, it’s taking away wanking –which is only a waste of time if you consider making yourself happy a waste of time – and replacing it with competitive abstension.

You need not look any further than the severe lack of names for female wanking compared to male wanking to realise that teaching people how to pleasure themselves, especially women, is no bad thing. But if ever there comes a day we’re deferring our deepest sensual desires to a computer, checking if the computer agrees first BEFORE giving ourselves a go on the old digital love train, then please can the ‘Tap App’ be invented, the one which taps us on the shoulder and tells us: ‘Um, mate, that’s really weird.’

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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.

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