Hey movies, thanks for the dedication to the awesome education you continue to give us in sex. For whatever reason (even post that Ryan Gosling/Michelle Williams oral sex scene in Blue Valentine) some bigwigs in Hollywood still insist on portraying a bonkers, sterilised version of what sex actually is in their movies.
So much so that Shailene Woodley even had to defend taking her bra off recently for a sex scene in an upcoming film: ‘Everyone was freaked out because I’m nude, but in real life, when I have sex, I’m naked. I don’t have a bra on, and I don’t usually have panties on. So let’s make a real movie! Let’s bring truth to the scene!’ Hear hear sister.
Here’s some other stupid things that movies totally want you to believe about sex.
Water sex is great, like the best thing ever
As anyone who’s had even the briefest of flirtations with a watery sexual experience knows, it’s not all as sexy as the movies would have you believe. Shower sex’ll leave you spluttering like a faulty car engine and pool sex is a little bit too slippery to be anything more than an exercise in mastering your grip on tough-to-hold stuff.
Unless you’re Jessie from Saved By The Bell in Showgirls flopping around on top of Trey from Sex and the City like a hooked fish on speed. Now that looks fun.
Waking up after drunk sex is just like waking up any other day
Mila Kunis in Friends With Benefits is super great at rolling out of bed, pulling on a pair of jeans and heading off for the day – no matter how many alcoholic beverages her and Justin Timberlake drank the night before. She’s lucky really, not having to do any of that time-consuming working of sex knots out of the hair or having a little wash down there. She doesn’t even bother to frantically brush her teeth to get the taste of the white wine that made her think having sex in the first place was a great idea. Not fair.
If you’re meant to be together, first time sex is always great
Thanks, The Notebook. Not only did you set the benchmark of what real love should actually be impossibly high, you also ruined first time sex for us forever. We get that Allie and Noah had been waiting a long old while to get down and do the dirty but, ‘Oh, that’s what I’ve been missing? Let’s do it again!’
Come on, love. The dude lasted all of five seconds and it was probably your first time ever. Conveniently, it’s Noah’s memory that’s playing out on screen; we wonder what Allie’s recollection of the whole thing was actually like.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.