Are You Too Having A Shit Day? Here’s How To Fix It

Band-Aids don't fix bullet holes, but YouTube, chocolate and swearing will probably sort out everything else

Are You Too Having A Terrible Wednesday?

by Daisy Buchanan |
Published on

Oh my God, I am having a terrible day. The actual worst. It began badly when I arrived at my local train station to find that every one had been cancelled and it was basically just a holding pen for grumpy people and vending machines. ‘Not to worry, I shall make alternative arrangements! Sometimes the trains break!’ I said cheerfully. The alternative arrangements took twice as long and were three times as sweaty as I was expecting. Still, I remained upbeat. ‘Hurrah, I have arrived at my destination!’ I cried, running up the stairs and dashing along the pavement until I stacked it, gashing my knee, ripping a big hole in my skirt and scratching the hardware on my one posh handbag.

I limped to the office and wanted to burst into tears. ‘I am having a REALLY TERRIBLE DAY,’ I announced dramatically, sitting down and trapping my index finger between the desk and the arm of my chair, making it swell up and go purple. Everyone was having a really terrible day. There were tales of angry neighbours, noisy housemates and oily, smelly tuna explosions. It was going wrong for everyone.

We cannot reverse time. Band-Aids do fix bloodied knees but they don’t smooth out your Saint Laurent. I don’t have the power to cure a shitty day. But here are some incident specific hacks that will help, and distract you from life’s particular pains.

Your card just got declined

Put your wallet away. Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. Remember that if Fiddy can go bankrupt, so can you. As long as you didn’t try to buy Mike Tyson’s mansion, you’re doing better than he is. Then go and smell some lavender, which is supposed to reduce stress and calm anxiety. If you’re not in the fields of Provence, head to Boots and have a go on the Yardley lavender testers.

**Something startled you, you dropped your phone screen face down on the pavement and it has smashed into a hundred thousand million pieces. **

Go home. You’ve had a shock. Put the telly on and see if there’s a lovely old fashioned movie on Film Four. Now you can concentrate on it without dicking about with your phone.

You’ve had a bad haircut

Check out this website and think about how lucky you are to have hair that grows. If that doesn’t work, buy some Selenium supplements and speed the process up.

At 13.08, you reached for your lunch and realised it was still at home in your kitchen

Depending on your personal preference, you can either bang your fist on your desk and shout the worst word you know, or just burst into tears. A tender hearted person will probably give you your crisps. Have a takeaway for tea.

The bitchy text you wrote about your friend has just been sent to your friend

Take comfort in the fact that you are the 987,484,949,83759th person to make this mistake. Have a 10 minute wallow in anxiety and self pity, and a hot chocolate. Then text an apology, and prepare to keep doing this every day for the next month.

You have just sent a very senior colleague an email that ended ‘kind retards’

Say you have a meeting. Go for a walk. Spend half an hour looking at trees, admiring their leaves, examining their ancient trunk. Think about how if trees had the internet, they’d probably struggle with email too.

There is a mysterious brown stain on your brand new white jeans

Eat a Flake, completely carelessly. Wave it around. Chew with your mouth open. What’s the worst that could happen now?

After someone switched the air con on, you reached for your jacket and realised that it’s still on the bus

Think about how someone, somewhere is having the best day ever because they found a really cool jacket. Say a hippy prayer of thanks, and trust the universe to remember that it owes you when it’s time to buy a new winter coat. Then eat a Flake.

Some people in Sacramento demanded an interview with you and did not understand your British humour

Roll your eyes, pull your beanie down and flick a few vs behind your back.

You just fell over

Watch this video until you no longer know or care what irony means.

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Follow Daisy on Twitter @NotRollergirl

This article originally appeared on The Debrief.

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