Before my daughter Freda was born, I didn’t sing in public. A week into shared parental leave I was belting out The Wheels On The Bus in assorted church halls, cafés and even on the bus itself. I had planned to look after Freda for a few months on my own long before she arrived. I wanted to be a hands-on dad, and to share the childcare fairly with my wife.
Working mums are entitled to 52 weeks off, and shared parental leave, introduced in 2015, allows mums to transfer all but the first two weeks to the dad – if they want to. My wife Harriet and I decided that she would do the first 10 months at home, then I would cover the last two. The uptake of shared leave is still very low in the UK – the Department of Business has estimated it could be as low as 2% – which is why the Government is now making a push to encourage more parents to participate in the scheme, in part by extending legal protections at work for returning parents, as well as those who adopt.
Apart from the almost constant singing, another revelation I discovered looking after my daughter for two months was the extent to which a baby’s life is governed by routine. But once I’d given myself over to the cycle of naps, meals and nappy changes, I came to enjoy the familiar, if physically tiring, rhythm. More importantly, the deeper bond that developed between me and Freda was immediately obvious. I began noticing daily the evolution of how she smiled and laughed. I learned to listen to my instincts and trust my own judgement – something many dads don’t get the chance to hone when mums are the primary carers.
By the time I returned to work, I was conscious of a gentle pride in my ability to provide stress-free round-the-clock care. Our corner of south-east London is a statistical outlier. I’d half expected to be the only dad in the park, but though occasionally I’d find myself surrounded by all mums at Rhyme Time, I’d often encounter another man wearing his baby in a papoose in a way that would make Piers Morgan seethe. Sadly, though, the dads tended to keep to themselves – unlike the mums, for whom striking up a conversation with a stranger by the swings was second nature. Most seemed delighted to have a dad in the mix – and many quizzed me about my decision.
But my shared leave wasn’t like maternity leave: it was like doing a short-term contract, so the novelty of being out of the office didn’t wear off, nor did my child-centred routine lead to boredom or frustration at a lack of adult company. By the time I took over, Freda was weaned and in a routine. I was swanning in to take a victory lap – but a beneficial one; a 2007 study found that early paternal involvement has a positive impact on a child’s IQ and mental health.
I thoroughly recommend sharing leave to every couple, but I wonder how realistic that is without more state support. My wife and I are lucky – we both earn around the same and our employers go beyond the statutory minimum on maternity pay. For families where dads are the main breadwinners, sharing leave means taking a financial hit. At work, my colleagues – some of whom had taken shared leave themselves – were supportive. I felt no stigma – but then again, I work at a leftie newspaper.
Six months on, with Freda settled at nursery, I have the super-close, hands-on relationship with her that I wanted. And looking after her comes as easily to me as it does to her mum.
‘Our daughter was ready for Alex’s fresh enthusiasm’, writes Harriet Walker, Freda’s mum
When I went back to work, the fact that Freda was with her dad made it so much easier. I’d already had 10 months with her and she was ready for new enthusiasm. I loved the early months but Alex was better suited to the crawling – and constant entertainment – phase. I realise there aren’t many couples who do this but I’m in awe of those who actually share leave 50-50. I didn’t feel normal again until six months and was still breastfeeding at nine, so couldn’t have done it earlier. The way we split it worked well – Alex settled Freda in at nursery, a process I’m not sure my mallowy mum heart could have withstood. I know many dads who quail at a day alone with their toddler because they haven’t had to do it before. I travel for work so it was vital Alex learned to cope – and I’m now convinced that shared leave leads to a more equal relationship