My partner and I last had sex in the summer of 2016. It had been a really long time before that, but we were on holiday, in a hotel in Spain, so we had sex. Basic, not exactly fireworks sex, but sex nonetheless.
Sam and I have been together for six years. I was 29 and he was 38 when we started dating. We moved in together within six months, which I suppose was quite quick. We had great sex at first – lots of exciting start-of- relationship sex. Then, 18 months in, we decided to buy a house – and from that moment, things started to deteriorate in the bedroom. At the time, we put it down to stress.
I know sex does peter out from the high of a new relationship, but it became noticeably absent, and Sam became less tactile. Every couple of months, I’d bring it up and he was always embarrassed, dismissive and defensive. Then, a couple of years ago, we were at a fertility appointment (we have some health issues, which mean that if we do want children we will have to have IVF). The doctor asked us, ‘How is your sex life?’ At that point, we hadn’t had sex in about 18 months. I had an overwhelming urge to protect Sam, I didn’t want him to feel embarrassed, so I said, ‘It’s not so bad.’
Sam didn’t really say anything. The doctor asked us if we needed some help and we both said, ‘Yes, yes please.’ She referred to us a psychosexual therapist. We had therapy every two weeks. It was about reintroducing physical intimacy as a habit, rather than addressing any psychological issues that might explain why we weren’t having sex. So every time we saw the therapist, she’d give us tasks to do – usually around massage. She also encouraged us to dedicate time to each other, without conversations or distractions. She encouraged us to introduce oils and feathers – basically building up to sex.
We continued with therapy until around a month ago, but it didn’t work. It felt like we would take two steps forward, then three steps back. It felt like we were wasting the therapist’s time. The reality is, I really, really want to have sex, but Sam doesn’t. I do masturbate. I don’t think I have a particularly high sex drive but, since my teens, I’ve been pretty consistent. The therapist once asked Sam if he got erections and masturbated, and he said that he did. Hearing him admit that there’s not a total lack of desire felt like a stab in the heart.
Recently, I started seeing an acupuncturist and that’s helping me with my self-esteem and well-being. Just after I started the acupuncture, I watched the Queen movie Bohemian Rhapsody – I’ve always loved Roger Taylor, their drummer, and it was like somebody switched my vagina back on as I watched. I suddenly realised that the situation with Sam isn’t OK. I’ve had enough: I can’t do this any more. It gave me the confidence to say to Sam, ‘If you don’t sort this out, I’m going to leave.’
If you’d like to tell us about your last time – be it funny, uplifting, surprising or mundane – contact us at thelasttime@graziamagazine.co.uk