The sex list is a gloriously mercurial thing.
In the movie Reality Bites, Janeane Garofalo's super kitsch-y character Vickie, keeps a record of every man she’s ever slept with in a childish padlocked diary, an emblem of that bridge between sexual awakening and understanding that so many of us cross in our formative years.
Then there’s Tracey Emin’s artwork, Everyone I Have Ever Slept With 1963-1995. An understated work on the difference between/and the convergence of intimacy and sex.
Likewise, Ye Olde Sex Chart, a pencil spreadsheet by Carolee Schneemann including comments cock size, ejaculate amount and post-coital spooning action is considered a seminal sexology study from the 1970s for similarly questioning familiar tropes about sexual satisfaction and physical attributes.
Sadly though, whenever the term ‘sex list’ makes it into the mainstream news the three women above – albeit one of them fictional – rarely get a mention; it’s usually impossible to be heard over the cat calls of ‘whore’ and ‘tart’ as the slut shaming knives are sharpened. The Duke University Fuck List controversy a case in point.
It’s 2016 folks, surely it’s about time we weighed men and women on the same scales when it comes to the amount of sexual partners they’ve had? Well, a new survey may have inadvertently suggested a change in the winds.
Conducted by extra-marital dating site IllicitEncouters.com, the online survey revealed that the ideal number of past lovers for a future partner – for heterosexual couples it should be said – is ten, with ‘between 8 and 12’ the most popular answer chosen by 38 per cent of women and 37 per cent of men.
And here’s the thing: Is the fact that (heterosexual) men and women shared similar figures regarding their preferred average number of sex partners emblematic of a shift in the way we see women as sexual beings?
Dr. Chauntelle Tibbals, Sexual Sociologist and author of Exposure: A Sociologist Explores Sex, Society, and Adult Entertainment says these stats could certainly reveal a positive shift 'in the way wider society regards women [as sexual beings]' but she also makes the point that such stats could have 'always been similar' with heterosexual women and men’s perceived ideas of promiscuity never that different in the first place.
'It could be that heterosexual women and men were never too far apart,' Dr. Tibbals says. 'But social pressures are some of the strongest forces out there, and what social norms say (in whatever context or society they’re being applied) can impact people significantly and wider social pressures and ingrained regressive practices related to slut shaming and “stud celebrating” may have caused people to misreport or misrepresent their counts in some way.'
In other words, a woman who may not have previously 'confessed' or 'admitted' to having sex with 10 men (perhaps reporting only 5 or 7 or whatever) may now feel more confident being open about her sex life. Or, as Tibbals says, 'women may simply just be having more sex with more guys.'
Either way, this shows a shift in women’s reported behaviour – and here’s the kicker:
'This may be due to a decrease in slut shaming – or it may just be that women are caring less about antiquated notions regarding sexual propriety,' Dr. Tibbals says. 'The fact that (heterosexual) women and men seem to be reporting similar, possibly more forthright numbers is a sign something is shifting in our gendered culture.'
It is of course worth noting that the survey in question was conducted by an adultery facilitating dating site, which may or may not influence the subjects opinions on multi-lover partners. So how about conventional dating? Does the amount of sexual partners you’ve had still matter to heterosexual women and men in 2016 outside of wedlock?
I asked love and dating expert Hayley Quinn, who recently held a Tedx talk tiled The Lonely Solution – How to connect with people in real life in a digital age, whether modern singletons consider the amount of lovers a potential partner has had?
Quinn says that the question remains a popular one although she says most of the time when people ask this 'it's much less about getting a numerical response' because 'most of the time people are looking for reassurance, not digits' or, indeed, a blow-by-blow fuck list.
'People obviously consider number of partners when selecting someone,' she says. 'However, I think for every individual their number ‘preferences’ will be skewed [as Tibbals said as well]. Often (sadly) women are still judged positively for being more ‘virginal’ whilst a guy who has had some ‘experience’ is seen as more ready to step out of the dating market and commit.'
Quinn says though she really wouldn’t recommend keeping count.
'Of course this is absolutely no reason to limit or expand your sexual partners,' she says. 'It is really important to sleep with who you want to sleep with and not cave into pressure to be more/less experienced than you are naturally. There are plenty of people who have had few sexual partners but can form strong relationships, and likewise just because you've had a colourful past doesn't mean you're any less congruent or capable of commitment. Honestly, if someone judges you on that stat they're probably not cut from the right cloth for you; because what you really need is someone who is honest and transparent with you.'
Dr. Tibbals agrees. 'Such cares are tied to nothing more than an arbitrary series of designations determined by sexist notions regarding gender and sex behaviour,' she says. 'We have better things to worry about.'
Liked this? Then you might also be interested in:
New Research Shows That Women Who Earn More Get Slut Shamed Less
How To Have Sex With Your Best Friend Without It Blowing Up In Your Pretty Face
Follow Gareth on Twitter @garethmay
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.